Letters To Him.

Curse

Incredible, but I still have words left to tell you.
I still can't manage the fact that you are happy, that you have been with the same girl, you two already married, and every time I think I've found the one something comes up and I can even hear how life tells me "just kidding, obviously too good to be true."

I swear, every single time there is a possibility to move on it's like a spell fell out of nowhere and it messed everything up.

When I went to college, I meet this guy who loved math, he had a patience, charm, and humbleness as if taken out of a fantasy book. He taught me lots of things, but the most memorable is the one where he taught me how not to think of you ever again. He literally came to my life just enough time for me to completely forget about you, and then he left, or I did actually. Thing is, he stayed the exact amount of time that took me to heal, he took me out of the place I had fallen into when things between you and I ended.

This summer, I re-met someone I hadn't seen for ten years, there were butterflies, and every cheesy thing there could be. It was sudden, I always rush things and it ended quickly as well. But he was brave enough to ask me out, we were actually dating. So I think it's kind of my fault, it started quick, I wanted to feel loved again, I wanted to have his attention and give him mine, we made a pack of plans, we talked daily, literally, and I loved every single second of it, I was so into him. I am still so into him. He is patient, sweet, works hard, playful, has a lovely family, his smile totally melted me! Every time he would smile I couldn't help it but smile too, not really because it's contagious but because I loved it so much that I couldn't restrain myself. If you were to see every single text he sent, hear every call we made, and even hear his heartbeat. I still remember how it sounded, the rhythm. Even you would ask what went wrong, and I wouldn't be able to respond to that. It just ended. He stopped replying, and I don't know why, he just stopped. An it sort of kills me? Because what was not to love on the guy? He even loved JJ! Maybe it was that we were having a long-distance relationship and it was what made it hard, but we couldn't even make it through the first month.
Imagine? Though it felt like months, an immense amount of time together, wasn't even a month. It's absurd, right? How do you fall for someone in days? How do you fall for someone enough to make so many plans and actually have the count down for every single event coming up? How come all that happened in less than a month?
Truth is that I don't know. I wish I knew. But I don't.

Remember when we were fine and we would let your mom know about it?, we were even getting married, and as soon as we told her, things went down the drain. This, this time felt like that.
She came down on a Saturday to see JJ, and we decided to not hide it that I had started a relationship with someone, it was a bit surprising for her, but she said it was fine as long as we wanted and he liked JJ. Everything was fine that day, even the next morning. During the early morning things were good, I sang songs to him, and he even let out some tears. I was so nervous, I was forgetting lyrics I know from a-z and backwards, it felt great dedicating him those songs. After that he greeted me as usual with the sweetest of things and I was still asleep, but after some time I replied and he had gone to a soccer game, but after that things were different.
I really cannot know whether it was your mom doing her usual thing, ruining my happiness, or it was just that he changed his mind about me. I don't know, I don't think your mom does it on purpose, but it's happened more than once.
And I can't avoid wondering what it was that happened, even though I don't want to because I just hurt myself with horrible thoughts or some extremely foolish.
I just wish I could know.
I wish I didn't have to be wondering about what happened with him.
I wish I could still be as happy as I was being before things changed between me and him.
It's sad and I'm a bit upset because you have moved on, and so have I, but I want him and I don't even know what happened. I don't know if it was me. But I know that you are enjoying yourself and I'm still suffering for unfair things.