Letters To Him.

Christmas

It was not on purpose that I started thinking about you, I hadn't even though about you recently, even when your mom was here you were figuratively and physically a thousand miles away from my mind and I. Thing is, I was with my family on Christmas and I couldn't help but notice the fact that my nephew is always with his dad, even my boy calls him that sometimes, it doesn't bother any of us, we know that at his age he will see a paternal figure either in him or my dad since we are usually around each other. What did feel off was the fact that I didn't feel as happy looking at them together this time around, it's not out of jealousy or anything like that, it's the fact that I still can't understand why I chose you to be part of my life.

The fact that I ruined my baby's life on that matter, that he doesn't have a dad all for himself to go and hug and claim, as my nephew, or I, would do. The giant struggles I've gone through several times before, like having to leave every single need of mine aside because my baby needed me even more. I've had to fight tons of times with my mother because I take more time with him, with my sisters because he takes things from them and I can't watch after him or even with myself, trying not to go insane with the responsibility it takes on being a single young mother.

I don't blame it only on you, it was my choice after all, but I think I will never understand why I did that mistake. Not the fact that I had my baby boy, the fact that I chose you as the dad and the ridiculous idea I had that we would make it work and you would be the greatest dad as you had once promised. Contradictorily, I know it had a lot to do with me being a 15-year-old whose hormones happened to explode with you, but dear Lord, my son didn't have to pay for that.