Letters To Him.

Feelings

Yesterday was my 2nd birthday without us having a relationship or any kind of thing.
You didn't come, I wasn't expecting you to, but you know, I clumsily always have the remote hope in hand.
Today I had my appointment with my counselor. It was such a great talk, she made me realize so much things.
You've kept your life going on and never thought about your baby nor me, why should we keep holding back if we can enjoy instead of locking us into the thought of asking ourselves what had happened so you could suddenly hit up with "I don't love you anymore"?
I cried on today's talk since I explained it was hard to look at all my family members, even me, having a father to play around with and my baby not having his. It was one of the hardest things to say. Because, you always knew, being a single mom was the last I would've wanted and expected of myself. But it happened, and I at least expected you to commit to him. Clearly naive from my part, why would you stick around for him if you could've done it as the family we should've been?
But the other thing is, I'm not going to prevent you of seeing him in any way at any time, I want that bond there, I want him to know he has his dad even if I get to be with someone else later in life. If I have other children, I want him to know he's not alone in any process, and I just want him to know who his dad is.
I've realized I had second thoughts about letting you see him because of you having someone else, but it is not about me anymore, and he deserves to know who you are. I'm going to educate him, and later on he'll make a judgement himself, as to whether or not you're making an impact in his life and if he wants you in it.
I've been trying to explain to my bestfriend that it's not that I want you, but that I can't just leave everything behind. Her words to my not-so strong shield were "Don't ever feel like you're not doing progress simply because you had a bump in the road. You're doing great."