Double Life

19 | January 7th | P.1

Date: January 7th, 2017

For Shawn;
When we first meet i had no idea important you would be to me.

'It takes a strong man to accept somebody else's children and step up to plate another man left behind'
-Ray Johnson

•••two weeks later•••

It's been two weeks since I told Riley and farkle. Two long lonely weeks. I haven't talked to Riley. I don't want to push her and maybe ruin what little hope is left in this friendship. I still have hope for it because it's Riley. I have to have hope.

I have spent my time these past weeks writing songs as asked by the record label. I still don't have enough to complete the album but I still have loads of times.

Farkle has came round trying to talk to me. He sits in my room and helps me with my homework. I rarely talk back to him. Smakle came round sometimes in the first week but that made it even more uncomfortable for me.

In school I walk alone. Farkle try's to talk to me but I would rather he be with Riley right now she needs someone. So I tell him to walk with her to class. Sit with her at lunch. Pick her up for school.

Lucas, I rarely see him. Only in classes we have together and sometime then he doesn't show up. I heard that he tried to talk to Riley but it ended in an argument.

Eveyone walks on egg shells around me. When me and Riley are in the same class you can feel the tension but no one mentions it. I can tell Farkle hates having to split himself between me and her. I can see the hurt on everyone's faces the pain. Zay. Smackle. Topanga. Corey. Shawn. My mum. Riley. Lucas. Even little auggie tho I hardly see him but when I do it's on the streets or in a shop when the Matthews are out and I walk past. I miss the Matthews. I miss the light the brought into my life. I miss Riley.

I'm to blame. I ruined everything. I am the reason eveyone feels akward. Every second of the day I feel lonely. The only time I feel sane or the slightest bit of peace is when I'm writing.

I've been sat in my bed up all night just like most of the nights. I stopped writing around 1am and then as usual I let my thoughts take over. My head spinning in the dark and silence. I roll over and reach for my phone turning it on. It's not even six yet but I decide to get up anyway. I never really used to get up early now I do cause I never go to sleep.

I step out into the hall and go to the kitchen. I prep the coffee machine and then and wait for it sat on the counter.

"Maya is that you?" I hear shawns voice coming from down the hall. I look towards the kitchen door and I see him emerge in his pjs. Shawn has slept over almost every night since my mum told him I've been 'acting different'. He try's to talk to me a lot and when I cry he's the one there hugging me. They found out that Riley knew about Sabrina from topanga as I guess Riley went to her for comfort. I haven't opened up to Shawn but just knowing he is there when I need him makes things better. His arms are my safe place just like rileys are...were.

I frown at my thoughts as he comes over and starts pouring two glasses of coffee for us. He hands a mug to me and leans against the counter opposite to the one I'm sat on.
I start sipping on the piping hot coffee.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Shawn asks setting his drink down and picking up an apple. I just shrug and continue to drink the warm beverage.

"Did you sleep well?" He says next. "You look tired."

"I um..." I start but stop. I was gonna open up to him. Shawn has been the only one that I've gotten close to talking to about everything.

"Maya I know you won't want to hear this. I never like people saying this but I'm worried for you Maya."

I look down into the black coffee stirring it with the teaspoon.

"You haven't been eating, sleeping spending time with anyone. You just go to school, come home and lock yourself in your room. You only see Farkle and when he comes I only hear him talking. I hear you crying at night, early in the morning. All you let me do is hug you when your like that and you only let me. You mother wants to be there for you but like the rest you push her away. Maya please speak to me."

I feel a lump forming in my throat and tears in the back of my eyes.

"Your right I didn't want to hear that. But everything you said is right aswell." I say no louder than a whisper.

Shawn comes over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you ready to talk?" He asks.

I nod before finishing my coffee and getting down of the counter.
We go sit on the living room couch. I fold my legs up against my chest and wrap my arms around myself.

"Where do you want to start?" Shawn asks.

"Can you just ask me stuff and I answer?" I say not looking away from the wall.

"Sure. Let start with something simple. How are your grades?"

"Steady. They haven't dropped or gotten better." He probably would think they would get worse but when Farkle comes to help me study I focus to distract myself and so that he doesn't end up asking something i didn't want to answer.

"Okay, why do you get up so early?"

"Because I can't sleep."

"Why?"

"I don't know. My brain just doesn't shut off."

"What do you think about?"

"Well I try to distract myself as much as possible so I have spent most nights writing but I do end up giving in and just letting them take over. It's thoughts of Riley. I picture her in my head I try to think of what she would be doing or what she did early that day. I like to picture her happy with her family. Sometimes I picture her sad and broken." I feel tears sliding down my cheeks as I say all this but I can't stop myself from telling Shawn how I feel now that I've started.

"I think about the good times we had together. I think about the times I spend baby sitting auggie with her. The times we sat in the bay window, had sleepovers, ate dinner with her family, sang, dance, laugh. But most of all I reply when I told her I was Sabrina over and over in my head. The moment I broke her. The moment I lost the my other half.

I feel shawns strong arms wrap around me as he pulls me onto his lap. He strokes my hair. Loud sobs escape past my lips and tears past my eyes. I burry my head into his neck and for the first time in ages I fall asleep. A dull dreamless sleep.

♛

A/N

→ sorry is kinda short.

→I need ideas for this story. I'm trying to piece together how Lucas and Maya are gonna end up together. Comment or PM me if you have ideas or wanna help write a chapter!!

→ so I've been watching the marvel shows. I watched Jessica jones a while back and loved it so I watched it again and this time Luke cage has been out so I watched that and now defenders just came out but before I came out the weekend I've been watching daredevil. I really wanna watch defenders as I need more Jessica jones but I should probably watch iron fist I dunno. Anyone else watch these shows?

Thanks for reading don't forget to comment and vote!!

-C