Shit, I'm Falling For A Weasley || George Weasley

Chapter 57 - In which a bad day is fixed with food, music and amicable company

Even though it's not who I am

I'm not afraid of who I used to be

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The dress forms a small crinkle as I sit on the grass watching the guys set up the marquee. My hands immediately go to smooth it over but I find myself obsessing over it again. It's like every time I try to get rid of the crease, it refuses to budge. My dress needs to perfect, everything needs to be perfect. Everyone has been so kind to me and the least I can do is ensure that I can be perfect for them. Today has to be perfect.

The dress is a light blue, made of soft cotton material as it flows to my knees. It's lacy and that causes the issue of getting caught in random objects as well as the whole creasing problem. Half of my hair is pinned up in a bun and the rest of my curls fall loose. My hair has actually grown quite long, almost reaching my hips and to be honest I just want to do something drastic with it - like cut it all off. But whenever I suggest this idea to Ginny or George both of them convince me otherwise and say it's the grief that's causing me to make crazy decisions.

Apparently I used to be quite fond of my long hair.

Today of all days, I'd prefer to burn it all off. I just want to curl into a small ball and hide somewhere. Because today is a bad day. Waking up this morning and realising that it's going to be impossible to get through the day and pretend that everything is okay almost broke me. Almost. 

But today has to be perfect. So I need to put my feelings and emotions aside. Or at least be invisible with my pain, which is why I've decided to leave George and come sit up on the hill by myself. The last time I had a bad day, I spent hours sitting on this hill wondering when it was my life truly became this messed up. I went through every mistake I've made, every person that has died because of me or in my name, the massive disappointment I am. 

Everything's changed now. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling so weak and like I constantly need something to keep me sane. Right now, I know my anchor to reality is trying to get this crease out of my dress, but from time to time it all gets too much and I just lose complete control.

But no matter how crazy my emotions get, my powers are non-existent. No matter how hard I try, they just won't appear. To think I spent my whole life wanting to be rid of them and here I am praying for the opposite. It sickens me just how much of a failure I've become.

It's been difficult. It's been near impossible actually. Ever since Ginny found me that night and took me to the Hospital Wing and Potter came back and told everyone what he had witnessed, my world turned upside down. Ginny's the only one who knew that I somehow found out before Potter told everyone, but she kept that secret to herself. Instead, she gave me a horrified look as she realised the true weight of what I went through. The fact that I witnessed my guardian commit cold blooded murder was just the start of my mess. If only there was some way to tell myself the horrors I would go on to witness later, I think I would have just stayed in that Hospital Wing bed indefinitely. 

Instead I became trapped in my own mind and could not find a way to express the different emotions I'd been feeling. Even when George turned up to the Hospital Wing, his face pale, he couldn't get to me talk. They said I was in shock. No one could understand why since I was never at the scene of the murder, but when Potter named Snape as the murderer, George suddenly understood. His eyes immediately met mine and I just shook my head as if to say I can't process this. I'm not too sure what message George must have gotten because he took it upon himself to take care of me. Guardian-less and broken, I was adopted by the Weasleys and taken to the Burrow.