Saving Grant Ward

Chapter Thrity-One

May eventually helped herd me back to my room, where I immediately collapsed into bed. I shared the space with Grant, so everything reminded me of him, and the sheets still smelled like him, too. I wasn't sure if it helped, or if it made everything much, much worse.

For the next week, I hardly left my bed. May came by to check on me regularly, especially to make sure I actually ate and drank water. I felt awful; I knew she was hurting too, about Phil and still about Bahrain. But I couldn't get myself to rally, no matter how hard I tried.

I'd never lost somebody I was close to like this before. SHIELD agents had incredibly dangerous careers, and Phil was by no means the first to die in the line of duty. But he was the first one to die in the line of duty that I'd been so close to. I didn't know how to handle it, what to do with myself, or how to even begin to move on.

How could I move on from somebody who had meant so much to me? Knowing he'd never be waiting for me after a mission again, a wry smile on his face and the latest Paula Pinske book I'd loaned him in-hand, ripped open my chest with a knife over and over and over again, and I couldn't get away from it.

The day after I'd gotten back, I'd gotten a text from Grant, identifying the emergency phone he'd promised to buy. The word "Zebra" had come from an unknown number, which had brought a smile to my face even as it'd done its own work to rip into my heart.

I spent the next week trying and failing to dig myself out of the pit of despair. I wanted to call Grant, just to hear his voice, but I didn't want to risk blowing his cover, or risk him blowing his mission on purpose because he could tell how awful I still felt, and he came racing back here about it.

At the end of the week, I found myself curled up in bed again, staring at the wall and willing the heartbreak to finally leave me the fuck alone. It hadn't worked yet, but I had no idea what else to try. I was so lost in my own thoughts, I didn't even notice May had come through the door until she stopped directly in front of me with her hands on her hips.

I dragged my eyes up to meet hers and found her staring down at me with a deadpan, no-nonsense expression. I hadn't seen her smile since Bahrain, and losing Phil definitely hadn't helped either of us with that.

"Get up," she ordered. "Now."

I sighed and shook my head, pulling the covers up closer to me.

"No, May. I'm not really up for this, whatever it is."

"You haven't been up for anything lately. That changes now."

I frowned and looked up at her again. She hadn't budged an inch, but clearly, she was prepared to force me up if she needed to. She'd never used a tone like that with me before.

I debated my options, but eventually, stood. The confusion was a nice change of pace from the devastation, at least.

"Good. Now get dressed."

I shot her a look, but she still didn't budge. I sighed, then did as she said. I didn't have the energy to fight back, anyway.

As soon as I'd put on real clothes in place of my pajamas, May turned and headed out of the apartment. I wasn't so out of it that I didn't realize she wanted me to follow her, so I did.

I shuffled behind her down the hallways of the Hub, for the first time since I'd fallen apart in May's arms a week ago. The place still buzzed with energy and activity, agents of all kinds with even more kinds of gear passing in every direction. It felt wrong that SHIELD kept going like this, as if Phil's loss hadn't impacted anything.

"Where are we going?" I called after May. Suddenly, the urge to turn around and go back to bed was much, much stronger.

"To snap you out of this," she said, only half turning back to me to call over her shoulder.