Pakwan Shots

Me to You

Hi Mika.

It's Christmas soon.

Nakikita ko na 'yung mga kumikinang na parol at Christmas lights nung kapit-bahay nating burgis tuwing pauwi ako from work. Believe it or not, mas konti na decorations niya this year. Wala na 'yung Santa Claus na nakasakay sa sled tsaka reindeer Christmas lights niya. Kaso mukha pa ring isang malaking Christmas tree bahay niya.

I tried to decorate our house this year. For you.

Kahit ayaw ko ng Christmas lights dahil napaka-sayang sa kuryente, I put one up in the living room. Nakalagay sa taas ng sofa.

And as usual, tama ka nga. It makes our home look so much better. There's just something about it that makes me feel all warm and cozy. I'd find myself staring at it for minutes, 'cause I guess it reminds me of you a bit. You'd always make our home look so much better--so much cozier and warmer.

You're my light, Mika.

And I wish with all my heart that my light would be here with me on Christmas day.

Alam mo, I've developed a habit of just blankly staring into walls and daydreaming about the times you've been in this home, the times where I wasn't feeling so lonely. Naalala ko 'yung quick jogs natin tuwing umaga na mababaliwala rin naman kasi kakain tayo ng tapsilog sa kanto after. Naalala ko 'yung tawa mo 'pag nanonood tayo ng sobrang corny na romcom at 'yung nakakunot na noo mo 'pag inaasar kita sa chubby cheeks mo. Naalala ko 'yung ngiti mo nung sinurprise kita with strawberries kasi sobra ka nag-c'crave nung time na 'yun. Naalala ko lahat Mika, and I wish I didn't, but right know--those memories are the only thing that keeps me going. And I wish we had so much more.

Pero alam mo yung memory natin na pinakanaalala ko? The day we found out you were sick.

Mika, it hurt like hell. Just the mere idea of not having you here with me and not hearing your voice killed me. I couldn't look at you in the eye for days. I couldn't talk to you without tearing up, knowing you'd probably be gone soon. I wanted to break up with you, because somehow I thought it would ease the pain. I didn't want to spend any birthdays or Valentines days or Christmas days if it wasn't going to be spent with you.

And yet, here we are. It's Christmas soon and you are not here with me.

Ang sakit pa rin, Mika. I'm trying so hard to be happy, 'cause you said that's all you ever wanted for me. Pero ang hirap, when the image of your eyes closing, your chest lowering, and the heartbeat monitor beeping still keeps me up at night.

I'm trying, and you have to know that. It's only been two months since you left me, and I'm still recovering. I have no idea how I'm going to welcome 2018 with a smile, 'cause all I really want to do is re-live 2017 over and over again.

Anyway. Ngayon, I'm staring at our wedding rings. It was the best decision I've ever made to ask you to marry me. I knew you were dying, you said it yourself. But I wanted to the risk of asking you to be mine before it all crumbled to dust.

One month and three weeks. 'Yun lang yung time na nakasama kita as my wife. Sobrang nakulangan ako, oo, but I'm thankful for it. That was the best one month and three weeks of my life. You have no idea how alive I felt in those moments. Hindi perfect 'yung married life natin, we had our ups and downs, but I wouldn't want to change a thing. I really don't.

Hay, okay. I have to wrap this letter up 'cause I'm sobbing too much, 'di ko na masyado kita mga pinagsusulat ko. Eto na lang masasabi ko: Wherever you are, I hope you're happy. I love you so much, my light.

I know I'll see you again. With your hazel hair swept over your grey eyes and rosy, chubby cheeks.

Ara

//

i... i feel so evil :-(( i'M SORRY OK I KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS SEASON AND HAPPY DAPAT but i felt like writing a sad os ok :-((( so ayun i hope u enjoyed this one kahit sad haha.

sorry rin na di katulad ng this year yung last year, yung may series leading up to Christmas. super busy kasi huhu but i'll be posting another Christmas os pretty soon, and i promise, happy na siya hehe. ok yun lang love y'all fellow pakwan!