About me, About my life and what lead me to try to end it.

Chapter 2 -First person

So, I am not gonna name any names. I don't name and shame. Usually. But i will state their gender. Nor am i trying to "Trigger" people. Please, read at your own risk. I don't want any stupid comments or anything, If you don't like it or don't believe it. Fuck off then.

So, My deputy head at my school. Was acting as head-teacher until our old head teacher came back. THANK GOODNESS.

 Now, the deputy Is meant to help seniors and others with problems with being at school etc. But what about if he is the problem? What do you do then? I am sat here, at this desk. At home thinking about the things, Yes i said things. There was more than one, He didn't physically do anything to me, But said, and did things that had a negative effect on me. I wish i just turned around to him one day and said "Don't judge a thing till you know whats inside, Don't push me i'll fight it"  or even you know.. "Fuck off?" But if i said that, i knew it would of made things worse. So i thought.

The first thing he was always at me for was my apparent "Uniform and attitude" Now surely if i wear the standard uniform i'm sure just a choker and some bracelets and rings should be fine right? WRONG. Nope. Wasn't even allowed to wear converse. Like seriously. Are the teachers more concerned about uniform than education. What a joke. Like i still go to school and learn. Like surely my shoes don't affect that? WRONG AGAIN. I am not doing anything wrong but walking around the school with black shoes with a little white one them. Is that really wrong?

Then it just keeps getting worse, The school is all about freedom of expression and being yourself. So, i wear quite heavy make-up i will admit, But its me. I wear chokers its me. Then i get the comments like "Take that off" or "You need to tone down the make up." or even "If i see u with that on tomorrow you will be in my office with your parents." You see. My parents are all happy for me being myself. I don't understand. I would find myself constantly in his office for the most stupidest of things. Like my aggression towards people. Well i wouldn't be so aggressive if people would just piss off and leave me alone. One time i remember i was in his office cause somebody reported seeing cuts on my arms. I was wearing bracelets! How! I then found myself with my guidance teacher explaining why. Why i was cutting. 

"You wanna know why" i would find myself saying to him.

"Do you ever feel like you don't matter? Depression is hard when the people u cared for then turn against you and make u feel shitty".  I cut because of him. The deputy head. He harasses me basically. telling me to not be myself. or get my grades up. i would find myself having panic attacks around him. I would constantly be with him like 24/7. It got annoying. he never understood why i cut myself. Nor does he now. Just cause he is all "up here" with the school. thinks he runs it. He has no clue what i have been through. 

He tells me sometimes i need to just move on. Now that hit me hard. I broke. Here is a little story.

Once i was waiting at break with my friend. Just standing around. Talking. He comes over. 

"Katana! My office now. That is not uniform" 

It was a blazer o.o

So i went. I didn't wanna make a scene, But inside i wanted to just hit him so hard. I sat in his office until he came. He comes in.

"Katana, How many times have i spoken to you about your school uniform and make up?"

"A few" i would reply.

"Too many" he would interrupt.

I sat there, Not knowing what to do. But that silence was soon broken by him. Him asking me why i always broke the rules. Why i never just behaved or anything. But i did, i wore the uniform and stuff, i just liked to express myself differently. Is that so wrong? He just doesn't understand. OH NO but it gets worse. Apparently he does. Yeah, No. He kept at me. 

"Katana, what is it that i don't understand?"

"Why do u break the rules. Rules are there for the safety of others." 

I would tell him i didn't wanna stay, Cause i did not trust him. I still don't. The words he has spoken to me have changed everything. Then he just goes on and on, Then tells me he doesn't believe i have mental illnesses that it is all just up in my head. That it is "Stress." Yeah.. Um okay. I tried to explain, i really did. i told him;

" I cut to help myself. Not to seek attention but fighting my own battles"

"I am me, This is who i am. I would gladly leave if you wanted me too."

"You have no idea what went on in my past, If you knew you would understand why i do the things i do, why i look like this. This school is all about freedom of expression and to be yourself. Yet i'm the one who gets it in the neck over Chokers or shoes or even make-up. Even though there are girls who plaster their faces, and i wear eyeliner and tease my hair. People with bright red trainers. I wear black boots or converse." 

I can't begin to explain what he is even like. I can just make people understand what he has done. This isn't any form of physical harassment but verbal right? He makes me break down, He makes me want to cut myself. Every time he said something to me, about my family or anything really. i would tell him. I would go home and get really depressed and cut myself. Or THINK of taking my own life. If only he knew right? Well that's just the thing.