About me, About my life and what lead me to try to end it.

Chapter 4- Second person

Now, I'm sure you all know what a Councillor is right? Somebody who helps others with their problems like; depression, self-harm, panic attacks,  bipolar etc.. right? Well. My Councillor never actually helped. But made me worse. Now, I am not gonna state their name. But simply explain what they said/did.

Now, Councillors are there for you to talk to. For them to give you suggestions and coping methods right? Wrong. As i found out. You get the good ones, Who understand and can help amazingly. But now this Councillor was the complete opposite. She felt i had a problem with my behavior. that i was acting all "Bad" and stuff cause i was "stressed" out over school. Like no. I have had bad experiences that caused me to be like that. I told her this. I explained to her what had happened in my past and currently. She didn't care. she just told me.

"Katana, i feel like you have a lot of stress you are not dealing with"

I'm sat here now thinking;

"Bitch, You were wrong, it wasn't stress it was actual school and ACTUAL problems i had"

Now. Here is another little story, Why my Councillor is another reason why i chose to try take my own life..

So, i was called out of a class. Can't remember which one. Think it might of been English?? Anyway, I went and waited for her, She opened the door and i sat down. We began talking about How i was doing. She mentioned something about my aggression.

"Do you think you are aggressive on purpose? Do u have hatred towards everybody?

I would find out she would constantly ask that. It got annoying. Then i would always tell her it just who i was. From past experiences and other stuff, So i explain to her about this one girl. Who kinda started the whole negative thing in my life. Well. i have always kinda had a negative life due to being bullied constantly. But that is just natural for teenagers. i will go into more detail in the next chapter. Now when you tell the Councillor something, they are meant to help you. well. I told her i was cutting because it was the next best thing other than trying to take my own life. Also i mentioned the problems i suffer from. I explained to her about my mom, i explain to her about my past and how it effected me. Yes. i told her. Well tried to in the best way i could. She sat there. Writing notes. I don't even know what. But she then would ask me if my parents knew. i just kinda sat there like..

"No, no they don't... OF COURSE THEY DO STUPID BITCH"

She would then just kinda sit there bombing questions at me. Like my god. Let me calm down first. I just told you the worse thing ever to happen to me. I understand its your job but oh my god woman. Give me some time. So, A few sessions later we start focusing on my self harm. We filled out a sheet, and began to speak about a way i could try to stop myself. Something call a "soothing box" A shoe box where i put things into it. Like things i like/enjoy; Coffee, music, art all that stuff. Then we came up with coping methods. I tried them all i told her. None of them worked for me. She didn't believe me. Everybody is different. But i tried the box but it just never worked either. So she tells me to go home and think about things we could try together to help myself. So she made another appointment for me, i never would of guessed it would be the second last one. But i did go home and think..

A week or two passed and i found myself in her office again. Talking about the ways i could cope with my self-harm. So i told her;

"Look, i am seing the nurse over my self harm and feel like i dont need to work on it anymore. Can we focus on somthing else?" 

"Katana, Are you sure?" she would ask me. 

I was quite sure. I didn't want it to be dragged out. I didn't think it needed to be dragged out. So we moved on. She asked me how i was doing with my depression and aggression. I told her i just didn't care what others now thought. I was happy to get on with my life and focus on school so i could leave and go to college. She actually understood.

So she started asking me;

"Katana, does your doctor know about all this?" 

i would reply with

"I have spoken to my doctors over many different things, But that is not what i am willing to talk about right now."

Its not that i was uncomfortable. I just didn't want to. It was my session and i didn't need to. So we went on and talked. We filled out a sheet etc. I told her about a little accident that happened at school. I couldn't control myself. Its not like its classed as bad in my eyes, But too others it might be. I don't even know anymore. Honestly. I don't care. But i explained what happened; i got pissed off, pushed over the line by this girl saying 

"I bet you wont do anything to anybody"

So i proved her wrong. I told her.. What i had done..The Councillor didn't believe me. Reported me. The teachers just told me not to do it again, then there from, I am not allowed next to sharp objects unattended. Anyway. She Carried on and on. So we left that day in the past. Again another two weeks past. I never thought this would be my last appointment EVER with the Councillor. I sat down and we talked. I told her how i was doing as usual. She asked her questions as she does. We sit there and i say 

"Look, i am fine, i am happy being the way i am"

She just looked at me and said

"So you don't want my help anymore?"

Ok, Now i never said that. She then just comes out the blue of;

"Katana, i don't believe you have done any of this, i don't believe you. i think you are lieing to me just to try be a bad person cause the way you grew up. I have never seen the cuts on your arms you say you do. I don't believe you that have seen your doctors."

Now, it doesn't take a genius to figure this out. But isn't a Councillor meant to help and not say they think you are lieing to them? Yes, she said it. To my face, She thought i was lieing. I stood up and pulled my bracelets off. I showed her. The red marks on my arms which would soon fade to scars, and they have. She god damn did believe me. She apologized, but i said i was fine i turned to her and said;

"Thank you for your help. But i think i should just see the nurse now. I can speak to my guidance teacher if i need further help."

So i left. I Did not go back, nor do i plan too. She had no fucking right to tell me she though i was lieing until i gave her proof. they are there to help, not to bring you down. I tried the best i could to not be as bad as i was back then. I tried. But she never really cared. Nor did she ever once look me in the eyes and say "I'm sorry Katana" NOT ONCE. I'm glad i stopped seeing her, cause now i understand that everybody who does see her stops. She is not good at her job. She told me my problems were fake. She though i was putting on an act? Like what? I couldn't take her shit no more. So i stopped. I have never once walked past her and said "Hi" She then soon later tried to see me again. i walked into her office and say "I am sorry but i don't need help right now" Knowing that that was a lie to her. But i am seeing better people who understand me and don't tell me my problems are fake. That is why she is on this list of why i tried killing myself. Cause i couldn't trust her in the end. Everything i told her. She never kept it a secret she went off behind my back and told my guidance teacher...Yes.. I found that out.

Another reason why we should keep our secrets to ourselves, Unless we can really trust the person. Including mental health people. Just shows. That not everything is "Confidential" now...