About me, About my life and what lead me to try to end it.

Chapter 3- First person #2

Then i broke down, Not by purpose or to make him feel bad. It just happened, I couldn't even stop myself.  I felt like no-body there understands what i had been through up until then. Nor did he. This is when i told him and He sat there asking; 

"What do i not understand?"

"why do you cut yourself?"

"Please Katana, talk to me."

He had no right to ask anything like that. But then again i understand he was concerned. i was there In front of him breaking down, Heavily breathing with tears down my face. I couldn't stop myself. This was the worse mistake i did. I told him.

"Sir, You have no idea what it is like to almost lost your OWN mother to cancer at a very young age, and at a troublesome family time."

He sat there, Looking at me. Offering me tissues, I refused.

"You have NO idea why i cut myself. You think its for attention. Its not. ITS MY CRY FOR HELP. That nobody gives me. I need the help yet i don't receive it. You harass me, I cant take it. You don't understand the words you say do effect me."

He then replied with.

"Katana, it is not harassment i am simply trying to make you understand what you are doing is wrong. You don't wanna be here is what you are saying?"

I nodded. "Yes, i don't, i don't wanna be here, i feel unsafe. i feel unwanted. I don't wanna live. You understanding now? The teachers here don't help when i ask. There are very few to be honest. The one i can really trust is my guidance teacher, Who understands what has happened." 

"Yes i don't wanna be here" i repeated.

he then did the most stupidest thing and said If i didn't wanna be there he would get a leavers form and sign it right there and then. I told him to do it. I didn't wanna go through anymore of the stuff he has said or done. It was always just aimed at me. Yet he said he would tell anybody the same. No he wouldn't, You know why? Cause everybody else in the school is normal and follows the rules. I am not. i like to make my own rules. and that is exactly what i was doing. Within reason, i know i was in school. i wasn't stupid. Does he not realize that i know i can only do certain things, But the way i address myself should NOT be one of the reasons i am talking about it. But then at This point i broke. He told me to just move on and focus on school. MOVE ON! MOVE ON!

"HOW CAN I MOVE ON OVER BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AT A YOUNG AGE. MORE THAN ONCE TOO!" 

(Yes i know people will say not to post this up on social media. But no. This is going to be addressed. It has been dealt with. So i don't want any of your stupid comments telling me to talk to the police.)

The school had never heard that coming from me. They knew i cut, They knew i was depressed and i was constantly watched over by people and this one girl. But honestly i had felt no need to tell them. It wasn't important in my eyes. He just sat there. While i was freaking the fuck out.

"Katana, Listen. Does the school know about this?"

I sat there. No they didn't. I never felt the need for them to know. The school nurse knew. But i made her promise not to mention a word as my sessions with her were confidential. The Councillor knew, But didn't believe me. But no. The school does not know. Until then. He asked me if it had been dealt with. Like with the police or social worker. i told him it was. He left his office and told me to go into isolation as since the school never heard anything like it before he had to tell somebody else. My guidance teacher knew, Well at least i thought he did. Soon after, My guidance teacher comes in asking why i never told him. I told him the same. I didn't want too. Nor felt the need i needed too. I was just fine. But i wasn't it was hard for me to even understand why i let it slip out my mouth. I shouldn't of. It was the worse mistake i have ever done. Nor can i take it back. I sat there thinking why i was so god damn stupid. They told me they phoned the police to talk to me about it. I didn't want too.  The deputy head comes back and tries talking to me. I tell him to go away and i want some space. So he goes and i don't see him for the rest of the day. But he tells the nurse. She comes in and talks to me. 

Now he had no god damn right to tell anybody else without my permission! But nope he did. So like another 3 teachers got involved over one stupid little thing i said. I didn't even realize how big of a deal it was too the school. They were apparently looking out "over" me. Yeah hahah, Bullshit is what i called to myself. I sat there alone in the isolation room. listening to the bells ringing for next few classes, Yet i never showed up to them. i was stuck there, with having to explain to every teacher why i was in that room for so long. But a few hours later i was back at lunch and having to explain to my friends what had happened, i felt safe around them. All of them. He comes outside and asks me "how i am". Right across the grounds. It was nice, But if he had just pulled me to the side or something. NO! I would of broken down, Now every time i see him or he says something to me or sends me to his office i down break down just cause. I break down because its him. Because i am in that same office i told him i should have. Then i got told after i told him that he would change he would try to be nicer towards me. Did that happen? Nope. He didn't change not even for me! He was the same constantly at me. I want to tell somebody the stuff he does, This is the form of harassment, But idk who to tell. I have told my parents and guidance. I don't feel safe with him. He apologized but inside i haven't forgave him. Nor will i. I have no right too. after what he has done to me. Even though he is not head teacher anymore. i am not scared of him but simply what happens if the school one day does find me in the wrong place and the wrong time.. Dead? Dead because of him.

That is the main reason of why i tried ending my life. Because of him. What he says to me. and telling me to move on, over my cutting, depression and childhood, what a joke right? I cant just move on, He had no fucking clue. I want to show him this. Maybe i will. to let him understand how i felt about that day. He is one of the reasons why i tried ending my life. i hope he realized that what he said and what i tried to do, he should just back off and leave me alone. I don't care if he was concerned or whatever. It is my life and he has no right to try get involved. Even to this day he still is at me over my hair, make-up and uniform. i am still learning. You wanna know the sickest part? I couldn't sit an exam last year, cause i knew he would be there, and the stress he gives me knew i wouldn't of been able to sit in that hall for 2 hours. I would of tried doing something, or just left. He is so god damn lucky i haven't taken this further, I have to sit another year and push college aside cause he wont leave me alone to get on with my life. THANKS to him i have to stay at high school for another stupid year around him. I don't want to. I am not whining but stating the fact that you should be careful who you trust towards people at school. 

Now, Next part is about my so called Councillor 

This makes me laugh.