By Your Side || m.yg

14

"Let's run that again," Bangtan's choreographer says after they finish a run of their new track. They're tired, running low on energy from today's practice. They've been up since the crack of dawn, getting the new moves down and going over it again and again. The boys return to their start places and breathe heavily as they begin again. Yoongi being someone that doesn't particularly enjoy hard days like this, tries to find a glimmer of inspiration. Usually, the desire to make a difference or make his parents proud does the trick and he can muster up enough strength to keep going, but it doesn't seem enough. He almost trips over Hoseok, distracted by his thoughts.

"Sorry..." He mumbles, half conscious of what he's saying.

"Yoongi. Keep up," the choreographer warns. Yoongi shakes his head, trying to refocus. He pictures his parents, smiling at him, telling him how proud they are of him and how much they love him. It makes a smile creep on his face but it isn't enough. He imagines his hyung, telling him that all his hard work has paid off and that he's a good dongsaeng. It does help, but not enough. He tries picturing the ARMY he meets, especially the ones that tell him that he and the rest of them have changed their lives for the better. How Bangtan has saved them in some way or other, brought them out of a dark place or given them hope. If all else fails, that always raises his spirits, but today it fails. It makes him angry.

Why won't the things he loves bring him the strength he needs? Does he no longer love them?

"Let's take a break," the choreographer says. The boys collapse to the floor, tired and ready to go back to the dorm and rest. Yoongi slouches against the wall and collapses to his butt. He drinks some water and takes deep and long breaths.

"Hyung," Hoseok gets his attention.

"Hm?" Yoongi looks up.

"Are you doing alright? You seem distracted."

"Yeah," Yoongi half asses.

They look at him with great concern.

"You sure?" Hoseok props.

Yoongi nods.

"We want to make sure we can help you if you're upset."

"I'm not upset, don't worry," Yoongi says with more sincerity this time. They back off now but Yoongi still knows he's lying to some extent to them. He hates that, lying to his best friends. But how can he explain to them that he's not feeling right. Why can't he find the happiness he usually does from the things he loves? It's concerning, deep down, making him fret that he is becoming depressed again. He debates about calling his doctor, talking it over, but that would only put everyone else on alert if he did that. He closes his eyes and tries to picture all the things that have recently made him smile extra wide or brought a flutter to his heart. He pictures the guys, his best friends in the world, his biggest support team. Nothing. Next he tries his family again, with a clearer head. Nothing. He tries to picture ARMY again, all ages and backgrounds. Still nothing. He tries to dig deeper. The new music, the work he put so much time and effort into. It makes his proud but it's not the right feeling he's looking for. He thinks about all the hard work he's been putting into the new stuff, but it just makes him more tired, thinking of what's been done and what's still to be completed. He thinks about himself and the progress he's made in his life. From when he was at his worst, to now, which is arguably his best.

That brings a small smile to his face, picturing all the things he's able to do now. Able to do what he loves with all his energy and focus. He's able to write lyrics that have deep and personal meaning, he's able to convey his emotions in his voice when he performs. He's able to tell his story in multiple mediums, able to share his creativity with ARMY around the world. He's able to take care of himself and therefore take care of others. Help them to be better, like Jiyeon.

His heart flutters at the thought of her name.

Jiyeon.

It does it again.

Jiyeon.

It beats faster.

Park Jiyeon.

He smiles outwardly.

Park Jiyeon.

He's got it.