phobophobia • all my fears

Death

I'm not afraid of the pain of dying.
I'm afraid of what comes after you die and what happens while you die.

I don't really like pain, so sure, I could be afraid of that, right?
Nah.
I'm weird.
I welcome death.
I just feel worried it'll come before I'm ready to move on.

I know so many amazing people and have so many goals in life.
If I died, the people would be left without me. I don't know how it would affect each and every one of them, but it would probably hurt my closest friends, family, and whatever significant other I'd have at the time for a while.
I know for a fact that, if I were to die in this very moment, my boyfriend wouldn't be alive anymore within a month. He's said it many times, and he's bound to say it more.
If I died, all of my hopes and dreams will disappear. The book I was writing would be forever discontinued. The art I was making would be a shell of what it could have been, had I been alive to finish it. The photos I could take would be lost, as no person's eye is the exact same as another. Everything would be gone.

In the moment that I die, I'd probably be terrified, if I knew what was happening. To die is something so horrifying.
I lost an uncle five months and 28 days ago. He had a heart attack in a gas station bathroom. He was alone, never to see his wife, children, siblings, or anyone ever again.
It still makes me misty eyed to know I'll never see him again.
He was probably terrified. I wouldn't know, as I wasn't at that gas station.
But, to suddenly have a heart attack in a bathroom where nobody could find and help you, and to potentially know about that fact? It seems terrifying to me.
He was found a few hours later. He was rotting in a bathroom for at least an hour before his body was found.
He must've been so scared in that moment when his life was taken from him.

Afterwards is the part I'm most terrified of.
I've already touched on how terrified I am for the people I care about after I die, but I'm more worried that those people I care about will forget me. Hell, everyone will forget me.
I'm not a world changing person. I'm just another white teenage girl from Wisconsin. There's a lot of people like me in Wisconsin, and even more in the world.
My family and friends would go back to their normal lives after a short grieving period.
My significant other would move on and find someone else who would love them.
Everyone would move on.
I'd be forgotten.
It's terrifying to come to terms with that fact.
Within years after you die, unless you change your nation or the world greatly or are a well known celebrity, you will be forgotten.
As of now, I haven't changed anything important and I'm not any type of celebrity.
I have 171 followers in Wattpad.
That's the closest I'll ever be to being famous, as far as I know.
Nobody will remember me after I die and hundreds of years pass.
I'll just be another person who lived only to be forgotten.
I don't want to be forgotten.
Being forgotten terrifies me.
Please.
Please don't forget me if I die soon.