phobophobia • all my fears

Intimacy (sort of, not really)

This one's weird.
It's not the actual intimacy that I'm scared of, it's the thought that, if someone and I get intimate, I'll get attached, only to have them leave me for someone or something else. Something better than me.
Better yet, they'll stick around, but they'll use and abuse me and know I'll stay because I just want to feel appreciated.

Let's talk about the first boyfriend I had.
He was kindhearted and caring when we were friends. Well, he was kind of a dick to others, like my current boyfriend, but he was nice to me.
We kept our relationship a secret from most everyone at our school.
Hell, we faked me changing my mind so I wouldn't date him.

Everything was fine for a month or so, but then he became... hostile?
I had decided to come out of the closet to him, saying I wasn't religious (not really coming out of the closet but whatever) and that I was bisexual.
He got angry.
He's Baptist (I think. I forgot because I don't care) and straight.
It's against his religion for people to be anything but cis and straight.

After that day, we started to fall apart. I felt no emotions when I spoke to him.
We argued daily. Sometimes we'd argue a few times a day. It was about the randomest and dumbest shit possible.
One time he got so angry at me after I won an argument that he refused to speak to me for three days.
Three.
Damn.
Days.
It was legitimately about gay pride and how people should be free to express themselves, and he ceased contact with me for three whole days because of it.
I'm scared of having that kind of relationship again. Whether it's family, friend, or lover, I don't want that again.