Poem Collections

pills&stuff

I don't even know how to start this. Im full of different, strong, emotions right now and I'm not entirely sure how to write it out. As I type I pause every now and then cause I have to think about what I'm gonna write before I actually write it. This feels forced, and maybe it is, but I want to write this out. It seems like the only times I can write decent shit is if I'm depressed. Maybe I don't even write decent shit but I don't really care. I write cause its fun and an outlet I guess or something like that. Anyways. I just paused again for a minute. I really don't know how or what to type out. It's gonna sound forced either way so might as well get straight into it I guess. I'm fucking depressed. Not much to it, I guess, but the thing is the only reason why I'm depressed is because I forgot to take my stupid meds and then I got into a kind of fight with my boyfriend. We aren't good at communicating and out arguments are actually the stupidest things on the planet but you see we're both mentally unstable and we tend to overreact so yeah I don't know if we're the best match but hey I love him. Like, yeah, sure, we have more downs than ups (or so it seems) and sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I dated someone else, but eh, I love him. Which reminds me, yeah, I think about what it would be like with someone else a bit too many times for my liking. I don't know. I thought relationships would be cool but they're fucking stressful and annoying but glorious at the same time. Once I got into one, I was having the time of my life and suddenly issues started to come up and of course my shit brain decided to be fucking stupid and wonder,'Would dating someone else be easier?' I don't know if it would, and it scares me that I don't know. This is my first relationship. I can't tell if im in a bad or good one cause ive never been in one before so I have nothing to compare my current now with. I just feel as if its hard for me to stay with one person and I hate myself for it and I don't always think this way but sometimes I do and its weird and I hate it. I just now realized that my boyfriend follows this account and he's gonna read this so Im just gonna say this while I can: I don't want to talk about this at all. It isn't up for discussion and I'm not gonna talk about it. Sorry.

Anyways. Im depressed (and I keep getting sidetracked. This is more of a rant I guess). What I wanted to say is that I hate my meds. I hate them with a burning passion holy fuck why did I ever go on them why did I ever swallow that pill why didn't I listen to the people who told me not to why didn't I just fuckng throw them away. Before, I would get depressed, sure, but it was never as intense as it is now whenever I forget to take my meds. Its happened twice including this time right now. The other time my dad was annoying me about food and I got so bothered that I walked to my moms house so I could get away from him and then sobbed in front of my mom. It was the first time she saw me depressed it was really weird. Its not like she helped, really, only a lil bit. I told her I didn't like my dad (who I don't even consider an actual dad but anyways) and she told me to not hate him cause "at the end of the day he's your dad" except he was never actually a dad to me in the first place. Its like me and my brother didn't really matter to him after my parents divorced. Okay, sure, you took us out bowling a couple times and we went to Portugal. You did stuff with us that a normal dad would do, sure, but it was never consistent. That was the issue. He never made an effort to communicate with us. Now its too late of course and my brother thinks the same exact way. Im 18 and he's turning 22. I think its a bit too late to take your sons out for bowling or something. We don't want to hang out with him we don't want to talk about our issues with him he's just there really, not doing anything for us.

Anyways, this time I got depressed over something really stupid again. I don't really wanna talk about it, so I wont, but the point is, because of these fucking meds, I can't go off them without sobbing uncontrollably over a leaf fucking falling to the ground. When I'm off my meds, ill be bothered by every tiny microscopic thing and it'll make me spiral a bit too hard into the deep dark pit of depression. Those fucking pills, man, I'm telling you. Worst decision of my life. Then again, what would've happened if I didn't take them? Maybe I would have a few scars on my body already or maybe I would've had gashes so huge that no doctor could stitch me back up or maybe I would've been 6 feet under the ground providing food for the worms and maggots and whatnot. These fucking 10mg, tiny-ass, white pills saved me and fucked me over in a way that it'll be the hardest thing to recover from. Maybe ill be taking these until I'm on my deathbed. Imagine my grandkids asking why I'm always taking those stupid little white pills and I gotta explain to them how I have this stupid piece of shit chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me act like a fucking idiot to everyone I'm around. Here I go again, hating myself for something I can't fuckng control. Like really? As if I don't have enough to deal with already its not like depression is gonna help. Fuck. Wow. This really fucking sucks lol. My boyfriend just texted me cause I'm ignoring him lmao. I wont get into why I'm ignoring him though. All I have to say about it is that it kinda hurt me but thats not important I guess. I wouldn't have been so hurt If I had just taken my fucking meds right after lunch today. Fuck my life, truly. 

Now all thats running through my mind is,"Should I break up with him?" and part of me is like "wow you're dumb you're just saying that cause you're depressed lol" and the other part of me is like "hold on what if this isn't Depressed Tiago™ talking what if this is some true shit" and another part of me is like "hey who cares you should just fuckin die lol" and another part of me is like "don't kill yourself that wont solve anything!" and then I go back to thinking like "hey what if I was with someone else" and then theres more parts of me going "Yeah! find someone who isn't as fucked up as you are so they can take care of you 100% of the time" and "No! No one else is gonna treat you the way he does he's probably the only dude that'll put up with your depressed ass" and "fuck that anyone who doesn't want to date this snack is fuckin dumb" and "the fuck if you're depressed af and have all these issues you think thats gonna be attractive to anyone?" and then I'm like "true shit who tf would be stupid enough to date me I'm a fucking goddamn mess" and wow I don't know where I'm going with this but long story short I never know if I should break up with him or not and I don't want to anyways he's the love of my life even if sometimes he's the reason why I get depressed he's still so good to me.

That reminded me of another thing. I have such a big issue accepting someones apology wowzers I think I developed this from when I was a kid cause my brother would always fight me on things and of course he was ALWAYS right even though sometimes he wasnt and I've just gotten this tendency to like, not put up with people who think I'm wrong cause sometimes I'm right and when I know I'm right and they apologize I'm not about to accept their apology thats fucking stupid. Also I have difficulty admitting I'm wrong, also a product of when I was a kid fighting with my brother, cause I'm such a fucking sore loser that I wont admit I'm wrong until we're so far into the argument that we're crying. My whole personality is a mine field like I'm not even sure how I got someone to fall in love with me. I honestly always thought I was gonna die alone cause like, I was ugly as fuck and I knew no other gay people so I was sp fucking desperate that I would've gone for anyone and if they ended up being bad for me I guess I would just break up with them but thats another issue I have cause of my past I just can't sever ties with someone like right away its just that I've been in the same school from grade 3 to 12 with the same class (some people left and some people joined along the years) but anyways I've known these guys for up to 10 years so separating from someone isn't too easy for me considering I've been with the same people for over half my life.

Im just a big mess, truly. Everyone should just stay away from me in all honestly like when I'm happy I'm a fucking treat I'm funny and energetic and screaming (in a good way) but when I get down (which seems to happen a lot and quite easily actually) I'm just undiserale trash that should be thrown into the sun lol why do I have friends and a boyfriend still like, anyways. Im trash, I shouldn't be friends with anyone and I shouldn't be dating anyone and I strongly feel this way sometimes cause I honestly shouldn't be interacting with human beings I should just be alone even though I'm terrified of being alone (hey look another issue) but anyways.

If you've read through this whole mess of a thing over me not being on my meds you're a real one and you should really consider the last paragraph even though I'm probably gonna regret writing that when I'm not depressed lol.