Fading Out (completed!!!)

(19) summer

May 6th, 2013

Dear Ember,

I hate being sick.

Physically, mentally, emotionally sick.

I can't be around you when I'm this way, I can't hold any food and I just keep puking. I'm not home or at my house. I'm staying with friends who understand this terrible process. The pills are removing themselves from my system but in a pain full way.

But I know how much getting clean will help me and help our relationship.

I have to stay clean.

For you.

Always for you.

Luna

She wrote about being clean a day before she overdosed.

That's ironic.

I continued to smoke even though it brought no happiness to me, just sorrow.

All I ever felt was sorrow. Constant sadness no matter what. While my friends went a partied for the summer, I stayed home alone and spent my days inhaling smoke and reading a dead girl's letters.

I had read all fifty eight, I read them over and over again. They brought her back to me. Her drawings kept her alive to me.

I wasn't sure what I was doing for college and I wasn't even sure if I was going.

I stayed in my house every day, every night only going with my mom when she picked cigarettes up for me. I kept my curtains drawn and music always played.

I had a few visitors every once in a while but they didn't stay long, two hours at most.

My mom wanted to help but I didn't know how she could. She fed me, hugged me, bought me my cigarettes and left me be.

I was numb, tired, and empty. I just wanted someone to love me but no one could like her.