Easy to Love You

"I'm scared."

"Mummy? Why are you putting things in bags?" Declan asks, looking at me with wide eyes.

"What's da matter Mummy?" Luca asks, studying me with his brown eyes.

"Mummy!" Micah squeals, throwing a toy.

"What's happenin Mummy?" Declan asks, tapping my shoulder as I throw more things into suitcases.

I'm not listening to my three sons, because the fear in my body is consuming me.

I need Spencer.

"Declan sweetie, where's Daddy?"

"He's down there!" He points to the floor.

I zip up the suitcase to Declan's room and move on to Luca's, the boys following me. I leave Declan's suitcase in the

Thank god Eloise is sleeping right now.

I put his blanket and all of his favorite toys and clothes into a suitcase, moving swiftly onto Micah's room.

I do the same thing, putting a few pacifiers in his suitcase.

I pack a diaper bag for each of them, and a separate suitcase for diapers for all four kids.

"Mummy why are you takin bubby's things?" Declan asks. He's just three, and his words don't make sense.

Eloise is the youngest. She's only four months, and then Micha is a year and five months, exactly thirteen months older than Eloise, down to the day. Luca is two years and six months, thirteen months older than Micah by the day, and Declan is three years and five months, older than Luca by thirteen months to the day.

Spencer and I planned it like that.

"Mummy." Declan says.

"Why?" Luca asks, tapping the back of my head.

I zip up Micah's suitcase and drag it to the hall.

I pick the baby monitor off the floor and scoop Micah up in my arms.

"Let's go." I say.

Luca and Declan follow me downstairs.

Spencer is draining the pool, and while that drains, he's chopping down my favorite tree. It got struck by lightening last summer. Scared the hell out of me and the boys, but it killed it, and now it has to come down.

I walk outside, carrying Micah on my hip.

Spencer turns to me, the axe resting over his shoulder.

"I packed the kids." I say.

He nods.

"Okay." He says.

The sun is starting to go down.

Everyone is long gone, but I was convinced it wasn't happening.

Kendall and Ethan left with George and Daniel, George is four now, Daniel is three. Emily is six months pregnant and her and Noah left too, having gotten married a couple months after Declan was born. Spencer's parent's left, my Grandparents left, and my Dad left.

"Spencer." I say when he turns to swing the axe. He looks at me. "I'm scared."

His eyes soften.

"Me too."

"Maybe we should just...just leave the tree?"

"I'm nearly done. Just...can you pack our things?"

I nod.

"Hurry, okay?"

"Okay."

He kisses my temple.

"Daddy, why is Mummy packing?" Declan asks.

"Declan, let's go." I say.

The boys follow me in the house, and I carry Micah back upstairs, setting him down.

I pack my things, and Spencer's, moving fast to get only things we can't live without. I go downstairs, the boys following me, and pack cans of food and bottles of water and flashlights and extra batteries, and candles, matches, two lighters, scissors, rope, tape, and a first aid kit.

I go upstairs and take the suitcases down one by one, carrying Micah on my hip.

I put them at the bottom of the stairs that lead to the dining room.

Spencer comes inside.

"It's down?" I ask. He nods.

"Load the car, okay? Get the boys in, I'll get Eloise and her things. Put the diaper bags in front of their owners, make sure their have toys and their blankets."

"Okay."

He takes Micah from my arms and walks off, pulling a suitcase behind him. The boys follow him.

I go upstairs, into Eloise's room, and quietly pack her things, filling a diaper bag for her. I close everything up and rush downstairs with them. I unplug the monitor and bring both ends of it downstairs with the things. There's still tow bags down here. Spencer will see them.

I run back upstairs, into Eloise's room.

She's sleeping so peacefully. I pick her up carefully and lay her down on the changing table. I change her diaper, and she wakes up. When I button her back up and wrap her in her blanket, she falls back to sleep.

I hold her to my chest and go downstairs. The bags are gone.

"Axel, come on." I say, snapping my fingers.

He rises, following me.

I walk into the garage.

"The boys need changed."

"Done." Spencer says, throwing the two bags of dog food in the trunk.

The boys are buckled in. Luca and Declan sit in their booster seats in the back row, Micah and Eloise on the sides, and Axel lays down in the middle.

Everything is shoved into the car. I get in, and Spencer does too. I put my seat belt on.

"Where we go?" Luca asks.

"We are going away for a while." Spencer says, kissing my hand. He presses the button to open the garage, carefully backing out.

When he's cleared the house, he gets out. The wind outside is so strong as Spencer gets in the truck. He backs it up in the middle of our front yard, as far from trees as he can, and then he jogs back. He backs out of the driveway and goes flying down the street.

We're getting the hell out of New York.