Easy to Love You

"It's time."

I have never hated the holiday's so much in my entire life, and I grew up in foster homes, so I've had a lot of shitty holidays.

But Thanksgiving was horrible, long, and that was around the time I left Spencer.

Christmas was terrible because the kids were horribly miserable because Daddy wasn't there.

And I didn't have Spencer. When the kids came in, Spencer wasn't there.

New Years was terrible because usually Spencer will set off fireworks with Noah and they will pull some stupid antic that is really not safe but we let them do it because they're boys.

And instead we sat outside and threw those pop rock things.

I didn't get my midnight kiss.

Also, I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the guy Spencer is with.

I'm jealous because that guy gets to be with my husband, to travel with my husband, and I'm home I'm home without my Romeo.

I'm alone.

It's February 14th, and usually Spencer would get whoever he can find to babysit, but he didn't.

He didn't, because he's not here.

And yeah, we FaceTime all the time, every morning and every night before the kids go to bed, but we hardly get to be alone.

This time away is the hardest thing in my life.

Emily had her baby. She's beautiful, little Emma. She's two months now.

Spencer loves infants, but he's not here to even meet his niece.

Our family has been coddling me and staying up my ass.

I'm convinced Spencer has put them up to it. I'm sitting on the couch now, stalking his instagram.

I didn't fall asleep until four something and then I woke up at 5:30.

I never sleep well. I can't sleep in that bed.

I can't sleep alone. I'm on the couch in this cold, empty house, looking at pictures that the guy he's with is taking.

I make sure never to like all of his photos he's posted at once because he will probably ask me if I'm okay.

Truth is, I go through all his posts thoroughly, checking his likes and all of his comments.

People that I've never even heard of are liking his posts.

He's having so much fucking fun.

I find one picture of him. He's in the street holding a box of pizza. He's looking to the side, he has a black hat on backwards, a gray t-shirt on with a black hem, and a red and blue plaid button down that's open.

He looks so adorable, so handsome. I look down at the comments.

I have my pizza face on #london

When I reach the comments, there's a lot of random stuff, people asking what pizza place he went to, whatever.

I go through all of them, and then I find one.

@francescaanderson you're really handsome

The fuck bitch?

I want to cut her throat.

In the picture he's holding the box with one hand and holding a slice with the other.

I look at his hand holding the slice.