Easy to Love You

Gag me.

Spencer swam with the kids for three hours, and then we gave them baths and we dropped them off. I look at Spencer.
We're alone.
"Let's go to dinner." He says. He hesitates after putting the car in drive. "Or pick up dinner."
"Pick up." I say, putting my feet on the dash.
"Juliet." He says. I look at him. "Can we go to a barber first?"
"Sure." I say. He leans over the middle console, kissing my cheek.
We drive to a barber shop and go in and I wait while they fix his facial hair and his actual hair and style it, and we pay, and when we leave me looks hot as fuck.
"Wait." He says, pulling me to a stop. I look at him. He leans down, kissing me, hard.
I kiss him back.
He pushes me against the cruiser, kissing me with so much passion, I'm ready to take his clothes off right here in his parking lot. His tongue swirls around my mouth, and mine around his, his hands knotted in my hair, his body pressed against mine, and I'm sandwiched between the cruiser and his body, in public.
When I start dying for air, he pulls away, both of us gasping.
"God." I say. My lips feel swollen.
He smiles.
"Let's go."

***

We got food from a restaurant and went home and sat on the couch and ate and watched some movie, and it's weird because I sit in this dark living room all the time, but it feels like eons since I sat in this dark living room in Spencer's arms.
And for the first time ever, I don't feel alone.
It feels so good to not be alone, and the weight of everything I've been feeling hits me, and I start sobbing.
He pauses the movie.
"Jules?" He asks. "Are you crying?"
"Uh-um, no." I sniffle.
He turns sideways on the couch, his hands gently gripping my face.
"Juliet, what's the matter?"
I just can't stop crying.
"Jules." He says. "Baby girl, talk to me."
And I just start talking.
"I never wanted you to go! I wanted you to be happy but I never wanted you to go! I hated Christmas, and I hated New Years. It was so hard when the kids came in Christmas morning and you weren't there. It was so hard when it was New Years and you weren't trying to make a bomb out of fireworks with Noah. It was so hard when the clock hit midnight and I didn't have your lips on mine. On Valentine's Day, I thought you were cheating on me with Francesca, and I spent more than half of my day every day going through every single thing you posted on your Instagram, going through all the people who liked your photos and commented, and I found myself hating your friend from work because he was with you and I wasn't, and you were traveling and I wasn't. I was home, alone, with the kids, and I was so glad that you're happy and I still am, but I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I hate myself for feeling all of those things, but I've missed you so much and it literally felt like you had died, and we facetimed or talked on and off all day and then it went to every other day and then it was like...barely at all, and I thought you didn't miss me and I have been heartbroken for months and I feel so bad that you came home for me but when I realized you were in front of me I almost died because I don't want to be alone Spencer, I can't be alone, and I hate myself for feeling like this, I do, and my sister fucking hates me and I let her treat me like shit, and I'm sorry. God, I'm such a horrible fucking wife, I should be happy for you."
I take a deep breath. He listened very intently to every single word I said. He grins suddenly.
"I thought you didn't love me anymore. I would go out with Davis because he was a distraction from you guys, and I told Ethan to call me before I left because lovey, I was asked to stay a year but I told them I would come until I couldn't and they accepted. I knew I wouldn't make it to a year. I didn't want to leave you, but it was an incredible opportunity. I got a call from Ethan and he said you weren't happy and I was just waiting for him to tell me to come back, but I came back. I came back and I have been dying to come back. Walking away from my Juliet at that airport gate was gut wrenching and I feel so...whole now, so happy, because you're here, not thousands of miles away, and I can touch you whenever I want to. You don't have to feel bad for being jealous, because I couldn't tolerate talking to our family. I couldn't call my mother because she could drive ten minutes and touch you. I was jealous of our kids. I was jealous of our children."
I let out a breath.
"So it wasn't only me?" I sniffle.
"No, no beautiful, it wasn't only you."
I lean closer, pushing his chest, and make him lay down, climbing on top of him.
I lay fully on top of him, sad. He rubs my back and plays the movie.
We lay like that, and I'm just about to fall asleep when the doorbell rings.
I groan into his chest.
"Who is that at this time?" Spencer sighs. His voice is gruff like he was falling asleep too. I sit up, rubbing my face, and walk to the door. He follows me. I unlock the door and pull it open.
Emily stands there with Noah and Emma.
"I'm sorry." Noah mouths, holding the baby.
She walks straight into the house. I back up when she nearly slams into me, bumping into Spencer. He puts his hands on my arms. She walks into my living room, turning on me.
"You know, you are such a bitch." She snaps. I sigh. "You never give a shit about me. Or anyone else. You don't want to go to Disney because poor little Audrey's life sucks! You're Grace's favorite!" Grace is Spencer and Noah's Mum. "And you're Dad's favorite, and Ethan's favorite, Kendall worships you, and so does Michael!" Michael is Spencer and Noah's Dad. "Even their aunt and uncle worship you, their grandparents, our grandparents...you're universally liked! You get everything you fucking want whenever you fucking want. God, you're pathetic. Did you see the way Grace talked to you today? Like some wounded creature? You disgust me!"
The house is dead silent.
Everything she said sinks in.
"What? You're going to stay silent? You get everyone! You get all the love!"
"That's because I don't go after my siblings." I shrug. "I don't take off across the country to leave my husband, I don't-"
"My husband doesn't run off to Europe to get away from me. I don't leave my four kids and my husband because things get a little hard!" She yells. I laugh.
"No, you don't, instead you run off with the kids and leave the husband who does nothing but worship you to worry! I was going to come back, whether he came to get me or not! You weren't! You took off to our druggy mother thinking she was going to...what? Love your kid? Take care of her? Dammit, you don't know how to raise a child, you-" I haven't raised my voice, I've just gotten more frustrated vocally.
"You let your kid fall down the stairs!" She snaps.
"No I didn't!" I say loudly, pissed. "You did! You left the gate open!"
"You left them upstairs!"
"They were closed up! They were safe, and anyone with a decent mind knew to shut the bloody gate!"
"So I don't have a mind? God, I fucking hate you, you stupid bitch!"
"Yeah, I know, you bloody cunt." I snarl. "You remind me every fuckin day!"
"Girls," Noah starts.
"You are a horrid mother." She says to me. "And a terrible wife! You don't even get happy when your kids learn to swim!"
I pinch the bridge of my nose, my hands shaking with pure fury.
"Get out." I whisper, my voice deathly low. "Get the fuck out. I want to wring your fucking neck, but my niece is watching." I keep my voice low. "Unlike you, Emily, I would never do this in front of my children."
"You would do anything in front of your children. You don't fucking care about them, you stupid bitch!"
"At least I care enough to keep my drug addicted mother away from them." I whisper. "You ran into her open arms and the only reason that little girl is healthy is because I went across the fucking WORLD to stop your stupid ass from getting fucked over! I've taken you in, I nurtured you like a fucking egg, I kept you in my house in Florida, I stopped you from ruining your life and your daughters, but I'm a fucking terrible person!" I take a deep breath. "And by the way bitch, Spencer didn't run. He went because he had an opportunity, and I understand that. Don't you DARE walk into my house saying I never fucking cared. I still care, you fucking cunt, no matter how much you hate me, I will still care and I will still love you, because that's what being a sister is, now get the hell out because I want to bloody strangle you right now."
"Noah, lets go."
She turns around and storms out of the house.
Noah stands there for a second. I look at him.
"I'm sorry." I say. "I'm so sorry."
"You didn't do anything." Spencer says. He looks at Noah.
Noah sighs and shakes his head.
"Noah!" I cry out. He turns around. "You can hate me." I say. "But don't let the problems with my sister ruin things with your brother."
He nods, looks at Spencer, and walks out.
Spencer goes and shuts the door, locking it.
"Tell me what I can do." He says.

***

We ended up at a 24 hour gym and he stood there and watched while I beat the shit out of a punching bag, punching it and kicking it as hard as I could for three hours straight, and then I ran hard on the treadmill until I felt like I was about to fall over.
We went home and had sex, and I haven't spoken to Emily or Noah and they haven't spoken to us.
I have no desire to go to Florida and we didn't tell anybody in the family what happened.
We're supposed to rent a couple of RV's but I don't want to go.
Plus the renting situation is shit.
It will be me, Spencer, our four kids, Emily, Noah, the baby, and Spencer's parents in one RV, and in the other will be by Dad, Ethan, Kendall, and the two kids.
"I'm not going." I hiss to Spencer.
"I'm here." He says. "We can take off when we get there and find somewhere to go. Nat and Will said we can stay with them."
"I'd rather choke on hair than go."
"Well too late." He says.
We're at his parents house waiting to meet up with everyone and the kids are playing in the yard. Everyone is here but Emily, Noah, and Emma.
"Why can't we go with Dad and Ethan?" I whisper to Spencer.
"Because their trailer is smaller."
"Why can't we follow in the cruiser?"
"No."
I sigh.
"Whatever."
I know Spencer is right. I need to suck it up.
I feel pure irritation flood my body when Emily's car pulls up.
Gag me.