Altogether unusual

How to dissapear completely

'The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty – we all have it.'

Gillian Flynn

Lately I have had these terrible headaches. I cannot sleep well. That is, worse than before. If nightmares used to hunt my sleep, now they have become useless. There is no sleep to disturb, since I don't sleep. At all. I look into the darkness, I draw until my mind is blank and my fingers refuse to hold the pencil. And it is not quality work either. I cannot really make the difference between the really good ideas and the trivial ones anymore. Now, one really has to search in the stack of papers to find something good. My life has suddenly become very simple. I go to school, I go to work, I spend most of my evenings at David's place. And the mornings. He enjoys us having coffee together. I smoke more. I drink much more.

It is so strange to have a boyfriend. I have to constantly remind myself to do stuff for him. I have to censor my stories most of the time, because he doesn't like my friends. Or what remained of them. David doesn't like us spending time with Eve. He never said it out in the open, but I see him uneasy and always on the run when she is with us. Which means I have to constantly divide my time between them two. Eve also has to divide her time between me and Jonathan, because, apparently, he avoids me with obstinacy. I am always halfway to see my girlfriend or David, running to the tattoo parlour or working on my school projects. To that, add white nights, alcohol fatigue and a new habit I learned from David, smoking pot, and you realize the hole I have buried myself into, during the past four weeks. I think I saw Eve only 4 or 5 times altogether, school breaks and outings, since we were out together at the Flesh and Bones concert. David comes at lunch time and we eat together in his car. Yeah! I know what you think. He is a sweetheart. He gives me all his time. He writes songs for me and has a morbid fear of me being hurt, so I kinda gave up my bike and he drives me to places. At times, when he had had a little too much to drink, he takes me home with a cab. He usually urges me to stay for the night, but I am not very comfortable sleeping anywhere but my room. Plus, the guys kinda creep me out. David is part of a band. The members of the band are all living in a house they have rented. The same place where I have been spending most of my last month or so. The band is just at the beginning, trying to make itself noticed. They practice all day long. They write songs and compose the music for them, but frankly I don't really see them breaking through. Taken separately they are very good. Each and every one of them. Good guitars, good drums, a voice to die for. Put together? Mother of scratching on a blackboard! Listening to them singing puts down my passion. I honestly cannot draw. It doesn't inspire me but at all. I find their music silly, words with no depth, or just borderline copied after less known songs of big bands. Unfortunately I am a music maniac. Unfortunately for them, that is. The first time I observed the similarity between their lyrics to the ones of Pink Floyd, I remained mute. In my opinion this is the worse an artist can do, steal. Poor art is still art. Copied art... using someone else's wings to fly. I don't say anything though. The idea of a fight with David is not very dear to me. I like him a lot. It is maybe the first time I am appreciated by a boy, treated nice.

"Clarisse!" My mother calls from the kitchen. It is Friday again and we are prepared for another fun evening. The duplex we are about to watch includes The Wizard of Oz, the original one, and Gladiator. I have never lost a battle over Gladiator. I adore Russell Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix. I find the dialogue perfect, and I know it by heart. Down to the inflections in their voices. Dad is home too. He had come with some Chinese food. For the fifteenth time probably, if not more, we are glued to the screen. At least they are. After the scene where Maximus ends up in Proximo's house, I kinda phase out. I am really concerned about my future. My hands feel numb, not my own. Like my beloved drawing frenzy had come to an end. I am falling behind at school and cannot concentrate on anything. Because of my father's job, there are Universities which are ready to make an exception and allow me to apply later in the year. But the time is becoming shorter and shorter, and I am unable to form a decision.