Altogether unusual

I have no shadow

'The past is never where you think you left it.'

Katherine Anne Porter

Of course, Kristian had a great idea. Once, when I was at the parlour, waiting for a client, I was just sketching in my monster booklet. He asked to see what I was working on and I agreed because I was sure he won't give them another glance once he saw what they were about. Imagine my surprise when he gasped and looked at me like he wanted to kill me.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked a little uncomfortable. Those drawings are very personal. It's bad enough they are so important for me, I don't need people gawking at them like that.

"How long have you been working on these?" He replied, not answering my questions.

"I've been doing them my whole life, why?"

"Why? Are you out of your mind? They are brilliant. How many more do you have?" he was all giddy at that point.

"Tons. Why do you ask?"

"Clarisse, would you mind bringing the best ones here? I'd like to see them. I have an idea, but I am not sure we can pull it off."

The next day he called me into his office and we looked at the selections together. I cannot tell you how amazed he was with them.

"Clarisse, these are very good. How did you come up with them?" He looked into my eyes. He was very serious, very business-like. The tattooed tear below his eye gave him an air of mythical creature from a fantastical circus. I decided to tell him the truth. I already knew he will not broadcast it.

"They are sort of a therapy. I have these bad dreams, ever since I was a kid. If I draw them, I get rid of them."

"So you have an entire map for a hellish world in your head. Just like that." He was in awe, for some reason, and it seemed quite strange.

"I guess so. It's no picnic, but I manage. Kris, what is this all about?"

"You know how everyone wants a unique tattoo? How they would like entire worlds in their skin? How about we advertise these?"

"Huh?"

"Yes. We create a collection, give it a name and advertise it. They are unique, I've never seen anything like this before. Together with the tattoo the people can get an original drawing with what they have engraved on their skin. How does it sound?"

"I don't know. I never thought much about them, besides the therapeutic side. Do you really think it would work out?" I had a lot of doubts regarding this idea. On the other hand he was so excited that I almost grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him awake from his insanity.

"Kid, believe me. You have talent pouring out your pores. They'll love it. I already know you want to leave." He looked at me all knowing. I was busted. The idea was new in my head, so I wasn't really sure how the hell he knew about it. "Listen, you are young, you are free to do what you want and travel the world at your own pace. What I am saying is that I want to help you with that. It would be easier if you knew where you go and have the job waiting for you there, instead of chasing it."

"You would do that for me?"

"Of course. I don't want you kept in the dark. You have a gift, kid. Make good use of it! Can you give me a month?"

This was a month ago. Kristian's idea was pure gold. He created a web of tattoo parlours in the entire world which would make appointments for me. Each saloon had four or five unique drawings to work with. The name of the collection is The darkness has a heartbeat. Kristian made it so that I would both work in various parlours and at tattoo conventions. I never thought he'd help me like this, but the last night we spent together before my departure he said he has this little attachment towards me and my talent and that he finds it only fair to help a fellow. My idol called me a fellow artist.

First stop would be Belgium were I would work in three different cities. Then Netherlands, Austria, Germany, Italy. And the map trembles in front of my eyes continuously. I never stop my tracks.

I live my life in airplanes and hotels. Every experience is different, I meet tons of new people, I learn, I make a name for myself. The days and months pass over me and I cannot get enough of this experience. The time is not my friend, but I really don't care that much. I almost don't have time to think. As my mother fairly pointed out, everything heals in time. I forgot to tell her I still expect for his arms to encircle me at night, that I never stopped loving him, despite his rotten behaviour. But I also learn that there is nothing I can do about that. It really doesn't matter I love him, he never loved me back. So it is mine to carry, this one. People make mistakes, people believe what they want when under that vision they think they could find happiness. I struggle not to be upset with him, or me. It doesn't matter now.

Where I am now, I would have never envisioned this. Dropping out school, after I struggled so much to get there, losing all roots, making thin, work related connections. I thought maybe I wanted to settle down. That a lifetime of traveling with my parents had come to an end, that I was not like them, always ready to pack. And I cannot figure out if I am so good at this because that life prepared me for what I am doing now, or if I was really not built for settling down. The thing is I never knew my mother, or my father, doing this alone. I had it all wrong: they are not uprooted. They have each other. They always did. I don't have a living soul but myself. And as much as I try to cover all the gaps, there's a moment when everything falls silent. When the room is covered in darkness and I stay in a chair and look out the window. I don't think I really see the people. I see drawings in my head, the buildings, the ever-changing. I see my image in the glass. I am trying to forget about everything, not to be such a fucking drama queen. It's gone. Done. Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get the fuck over it! I managed to run fast enough. I have this engine inside me pushing me further away. I like to think this life has its advantages. I live out of a bag, which means I cannot have books carried around. I have become a worshiper of my e-reader. It gives me the opportunity to not smell him in the pages. I have no close friends, so I don't feel the need to open up my soul. I don't date, I fuck. It's good for me to have control over all the aspects which could bring me down. I might be stupid. That is a possibility too. Because one man broke me, it doesn't mean they all will. And somehow I cannot bring myself to try and test that optimistic theory. For the moment I have nothing to offer.

An interesting development is that new dreams are trying to attack my retina. For months I didn't know what to do with them, because they are so shapeless, so meaningless. It is actually hard to remember them in a specific form. But this morning I understood. I opened my eyes and I gasped. Then I cried for a while. Another dam has been broken. I wonder how long I will keep this up, this constant crying. With my eyes red and swollen I call in sick, for the first time in a year. I need this day for myself because I had some sort of epiphany. Remember how I said Jonathan's eyes reminded me of something? Well, I finally know what that is. The Ring Nebula. One of the most amazing pictures Hubble gave us. His eyes were very much alike. Blue with golden and green flakes. This too needed to get out of my system now. I spend the day conceiving an entire new collection of drawings. I'll just simply call them The Blue Drawings. They represent a new world. One that is not dark at all. Believe it or not, his eyes are the only thing which remained untouched. I remember them kind, intelligent, throwing flames of passion. I chose to make them justice, let them inspire me, but clean them of every important ounce.

"Clarisse, your 10 o'clock is here." I was hunched over my blue drawings, when Tim informed me my client is at the saloon. Ireland, my temporary stop, was giving me a misty green beautiful day today. I'm planning on going up the hill in front of the small bed and breakfast where I am camped to draw the day away, after my appointments are done.

I arranged the new sheet of paper in a manila envelope and headed to greet the client.

"Good morning!" I said all smiling, but soon my smile faded away and my knees almost buckled.