Altogether unusual

New life

'It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.'

Chuck Palahniuk

I looked down unable to move my feet. I knew I had to get out of there, but the only thing I wanted was to throw up on his expensive floorboards. His stupid, polished, rich guy, expensive floorboards. I really couldn't do that though. I couldn't let myself get caught watching them. I was so ashamed all of the sudden, for being there, for seeing that, for intruding. Like somehow it was my fault. For coming so early.

Yeah, I had to get out of there, vomit somewhere else. I retraced my steps quietly, picked my bag and got out the door. You'd think I'd feel weak, that I'd want to pass out, but I actually felt this anger, this all-consuming fury chocking me and I had to run. So I did that. I ran to my apartment, I ran from them, from their image together, from their existence. I ran on the streets of a city I used to love.

There was no time to lose. I couldn't spend one more minute in this idiotic place, with my so called relationship and adult life. Being mature? Well, sod that! I wanted my mother.

I packed up everything I thought I would need. It wasn't that much. Being poor means you cannot afford a lot of things. I packed a suitcase and put everything else in two boxes. I couldn't stay put, not even for a damn moment. It felt like I would die if I sat down to think about what I had seen in there. Jonathan and Eve kissing. What a damn treat.

I looked around my studio and couldn't believe how estranged I felt all of the sudden. It was just a place like all the others, without my things in it. The phone startled me out of my agitation.

"Hello!" I knew that number. I thought I knew that person once. But I had to do this. I had to take care of myself now.

"Hello, my love! How are you?" He asked in his deep voice.

"I'm ok. Did something happen?" Pitched voice. Have to adjust.

"No. Everything is fine. Is just that I am almost ready with dinner and I was wondering when you will be dropping in, darling." He was all cheerful, his composure be damned.

"Ahm, actually, Jonathan, I cannot come tonight. I didn't have such a good day, I am tired. Can we do it some other time?" I said in one breath, afraid I'll start yelling at him: 'You kissed my best friend'.

"Clarisse, you're scaring me, what's going on?" I could hear the concern in his voice, but he was not allowed to do that anymore. He was not allowed to pretend he cared.

"I just have this awful migraine and I want to sleep it off, that's all. Don't worry about me." I lied as if I've been doing it my entire life. Thinking about that made me realize I actually could blame him for it too. He had taught me to lie so much, while I was trying my best to hide what I felt in order to keep our relationship going.

"I'm coming over. I'll pack the food and be there in a few." I heard him starting to move. No! No, no, no. he couldn't be here.

"No, please. I need to be alone tonight. Really, I'm just tired. Don't come over, please."

"I could give you a massage. Are you sure you don't want me there? I have magic ways, you know."

"Yeah! I promise. Call you tomorrow?"

"Ok. Take care of yourself. And call me if you need me. Anytime." I could sense he didn't buy my act. I mean, really, how many times have I refused flirty Jonathan? Exactly. Never.