Journal Entries

November 11, 1967

Almost got drafted into that war that's been going on in Asia. Something bad's been happening in Vietnam with communism, I think that's what the news said or something like that. Those bastards. Why can't they just be like us here in America? We get fresh water, clothes, food, everything. What is their problem?

All of the boys were real happy when I didn't have to go. The only reason I didn't was because of my torn ligament. I guess they only want perfect people. Pony says I'm perfect all the time, which I guess does make me feel a little better.

I've been feeling really weird lately, like sad or mad a lot more than I am happy. Sure, I'll smile, but I'm mostly faking it. Pony loves my smile. His smile's beautiful. So are his eyes and hair and lips and just... everything about Pony makes my heart flutter. Sleeping next to him is what makes me sad the most though, because I want to sleep with him. I feel disgusting for feeling like this, but I hear Two-Bit say how "you can't help who you fall in love with" all the time and I guess he's right. If It were up to me, I wouldn't feel like this toward Pony.

I wish I could say Pony made me happy. I mean, he can, but... when he touches me, he makes me want to hold him. When he looks me in the eyes, it makes me want to kiss him. If his arm brushes past mine, it makes me want to push him against the wall and bite his neck all over so people will know he's mine.

But if someone found out, I'd be dead or both of us would. That makes me angry. It's no one's business but me and Pony's or maybe even Darry's since he's our brother. Just because they don't like it doesn't mean they can't ignore it or something. But I guess things just aren't that simple.

But I guess that's not the only reason I'm angry. I don't know, I feel like every time I see Pony I fall in love with him again-I mean, if you can even call it 'love'. And I guess.... I guess it just makes me want to hurt myself. I don't want to, though. But my arms keep getting tingly and I keep feeling like... Like no one cares about me because of how I feel for Pony... But I don't think anyone knows. I haven't told anyone, but what if they guessed it? I have been acting a little jumpy, in my opinion I have anyways, but no one's noticed so I guess that's a good thing.

Maybe this feeling will go away. Sure, I've had them for only a couple of weeks, but these feelings will go away. I'm sure of it.

~Sodapop Curtis~