I don't remember how long it's been since I told Johnny I was in love with Pony, but recently he's been acting differently around me. We've been almost avoiding each other. Yeah, we sleep in the same bed, but I can't hold him anymore, it's hard. I'm sure he doesn't' want me too anymore, anyways. I think Johnny told him, but he wouldn't do that if I didn't ask him too.
It's been ten days since I've written in this old thing. I honestly forgot about it. For the past few days, I keep forgetting everything. I'm too sad to even move sometimes. I just can't.
Steve's been checking on me a lot more, and man I love him for that. He asks if I've been hurting myself, and I haven't since then. He asks if I've been treating myself right, like eating and sleeping right and stuff. I tell him I am, but i know he doesn't believe me, that's why when we're at work, he makes me eat some of his lunch, because I don't bring my own anymore. I don't just throw it all up, as much as i want too, I don't. I need to eat, and he's kind enough to bring me food when he doesn't have too.
"Steve," I said one day, "I think Ponyboy hates me."
"That kid couldn't hate you if you stabbed him in the back." Steve said back, "Why do you think he hates you?"
"He won't' talk to me. He won't look at me. He never has anything to do with me anymore." Ponyboy not wanting me in any sort of way made me feel even more numb than I was. He doesn't have to love me like I love him, I just need him to not hate me.
"I'll talk to the kid if that's what you're wanting me to do."
"No!" I said. That almost caused me to panic. I don't' want Pony to know how i feel about him. Because I know for certain he's not gonna love me back, and it's gonna make him hate me even more. "Steve, please you can't say anything, please-"
"Alright, chill out." He said. He was laughing at me. At least that's what it felt like, because he was laughing. "Then you have too."
Man, I got real pale. I can't tell him, and I won't. If he wants to avoid me, he can. I've been doing it to him anyways.
~Sodapop Curtis~
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Journal Entries
FanfictionHere we have the journal of a young, almost seventeen-year-old boy who can't cope with his feelings of being in love with his younger brother. Sodapop confides in his friends, and yet, he can't seem to find the comfort or will to stay alive, not eve...
