Journal Entries

January 17 1968

It was humiliating.

That talk with Darry still has me nervous and shaken up.

While I was in the hospital, Pony told Darry about my feelings for him and how that's why I did it. I couldn't handle Pony knowing i had feelings for him, so how am I supposed to react to Darry knowing? To him hating me, being so mad and disappointed...

Well, he doesn't hate me at least.

He asked me how I really felt about Ponyboy and I decided to answer him honestly since I had nothing to lose. He didn't know what to say or how to react, but he stayed calm. I think he was just mostly worried and didn't want me to start over-reacting or freaking out.

He told me that he asked Pony how he felt, and that Pony wasn't sure, which relieved me of the thought of Pony hating me,. At least for now.

Darry told me plain and simple: He doesn't think me and Pony should be together.

But...

If we were... then it better help me feel better and nobody can know about it.

But Pony doesn't know how to feel, I'm too scared to do anything about it. I'm thinking about talking to Johnny again. Talking to him helped me a little bit. I'd talk to Steve, but... I'm sure he doesn't want to talk about Pony or anything having to do with this. I just don't want to bother people or make them uncomfortable. It's wrong, it's disgusting, but it's... just how I feel.

I know I need to talk to Pony about it, but I don't want too. I don't want to be rejected if he suddenly knows how to feel about it. But if we were to be together, I wouldn't know what we'd do. He's still a virgin and hasn't had a first kiss yet, and god I'd be a liar if I said I didn't want to be his first everything, but... I can't do it. I can't ruin him like that. Because what if it left him traumatized? Or what if his friends asked him who his first kiss is? He can't tell them that it was his brother.

I'm thinking too much. I need to go before I start crying.

~Sodapop Curtis~