Journal Entries

December 1, 1967

Today was empty. Steve had promised to take me and Evie out tonight but I flaked out at the last minute. I didn't wanna 'third wheel'... Besides, if I were going on a date, I'd want to bring Pony. But Steve would throw a giant fit because one, it's a date, and two, he hates it when Pony goes anywhere with us. I wish he and Pony would get along. It'd be much easier for Steve to understand when- if- I tell him.

I'm just sitting here at Pony's desk writing this. I'm feeling, like I said, empty. Today kinda kept me on my toes because work wasn't as slow as usual, but I wasn't happy. I'd laugh at Steve's jokes but they weren't as funny as I usually see them as. Nothing is as good anymore. I try smiling because I've heard in science class a long time ago that it will trick your brain into being happy, but no matter how hard or how long I smile, I'm not happy.

All I can think about is Pony. I start dozing off at work and when Steve can't get my attention, he hops in the car we're working on and honks the horn or revs the engine real loud. Boy, it pisses me off. But I guess I shouldn't be at work thinking about how nicely Pony's soft lips would feel against mine or how amazing his skin would feel against mine... oh no, I should be focusing on work instead. But I guess that makes sense-I'm at work to work, not daydream like Ponyboy does.

I'm not Ponyboy. I'm not supposed to be daydreaming or waking up earlier to watch the sunrise then going to bed late to watch the sunset. I mean... I don't sleep either way, but I can't be doing this stuff because Pony does. I keep losing energy to do things so I've even started reading the books he's finished on his shelf. I can't do this. At first it was to get closer to Pony, to know more of what he liked and wanted to do. But now it's more of an obsession I guess... That's unhealthy! I know it is, but I can't help it! I... I love him...

I've been thinking about going to work at night and doing some extra things my boss would like me to do. I've been getting only an hour of sleep if that every night. Mostly from passing out due to exhaustion and hunger, but that's nothing... I don't really get hungry anymore... But I don't think Darry would let me. I have no reason to do that other than not wanting to see Pony during the day. I can't stand it. He makes my heart race and my eyes water then I can't see and I start to panic and... I don't know... Why does loving someone hurt so much?

Oh yeah... because he's my brother...

I remember when I used to be happy to call him my brother, then to give him a noogie or something and run away when he started chasing me. I remember comforting him during a storm if mom and dad were asleep. I wish we could go back to when I wasn't in love with my little brother.

I hate wanting to kiss him or to feel him and I hate those late nights when I'm able to fully convince myself that he hates me. Sometimes he knows I'm sad so he lays awake and tells me about his day, what kind of stuff he learned, and who said what, etc. But he always ends up falling asleep and leaving me alone and I never get to tell him why I'm sad. I need to feel something before I do something drastic.

~Sodapop Curtis~