He keeps bugging me about telling Pony about how I feel, and he's giving me anxiety. I don't know why Steve wants me to tell him so badly, it's none of his business.
"Your bullshit is my bullshit, and my bullshit is your bullshit. That's how it works!"
He said that once when I tried leaving the DX after a sort of panic attack. I was getting a panic attack because everything just felt so overwhelming. There wasn't even anything to do, there were maybe one or two cars in the garage and no one in the waiting room of the shop. I just started thinking all bad.
I just told him not to worry about it, to just drop it and leave it alone. He wouldn't let me leave the DX, my shift wasn't completely over and he didn't want me doing anything stupid like getting myself hurt or killed. It made me upset at the time, but now that I think about it, I'm thankful he didn't let me walk out of there.
He walked me home that night and we just talked. At first it was about nothing, then he started asking about Ponyboy and how i felt.
"What if Pony doesn't love you back?" I knew there was a strong chance he wouldn't, because who would love their own freak of a brother like that? I shrugged.
"Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like all the butterflies in your stomach are slowly dying, and all my butterflies are already dead, and it makes me hurt badly."
I only remember what I said because I thought it was a clever answer. I bet if I told Pony, he'd think I was pretty slick. But I can't tell him i'm talking to Steve about him because Steve doesn't like Pony anyway. He doesn't say it or act like it, but I know Steve is upset with Pony for hurting me even though he doesn't do it on purpose. He's always upset with Pony for something.
"I'll tell him." I gulped.
"Don't."
"He needs to know before you kill yourself, Soda. You're hurting yourself because you're in love with 'em. Who knows, maybe he's in love with you back."
Oh what a dream that would be.
~Sodapop Curtis~
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Journal Entries
FanfictionHere we have the journal of a young, almost seventeen-year-old boy who can't cope with his feelings of being in love with his younger brother. Sodapop confides in his friends, and yet, he can't seem to find the comfort or will to stay alive, not eve...
