Journal Entries

November 30, 1967

I'm sick. Today was supposed to be a good day, and it started like that. I could actually focus in work today. Me and Steve fixed up a decent amount of cars today and we fooled around like usual (when I'm not feeling bad anyways). I was even feeling pretty okay after he clocked out of work when his shift was over. When I got home and saw Pony, I was more than happy. I had missed him today, though not as much as usual which is the weird thing. But when I saw him, I felt like I could kiss him I was that happy. I mean, I always do... but the feeling was different this time. I felt like kissing him and even after thinking that I was still happy.

It wasn't really until night time that I started feeling absolutely worthless like I always do. I don't even know what happened. I went to bed after eating all of my dinner and like I usually do, I stripped into a plain white shirt and my boxer shorts. I can't stand sleeping in jeans.

Well, soon Pony came in. He usually does the same thing I do or else he just sleeps in a shirt and jeans. As he was starting to fall asleep, he was scooting closer to me like he always does. Man, I was blushing something awful. I put my arm around him like I always did and kind of nuzzled the back of his neck with my mouth and nose. This made him giggle a little bit but I guessed that was just because he was ticklish. Me and Darry always have to tickle him awake.

I stopped doing it after that. I just felt sorta chicken. So since I stopped doing that, I wrapped my leg around him (which I've never done before) and you wanna know what he did? He pressed closer to me. My heart was beating real fast and I guess I didn't expect him to do that and since he did, I started to panic because I didn't know what to do. He was pressed up against my dick. I could feel how warm he was and I was getting goosebumps all over. I wanted to kiss his neck and I almost did but I gained back my common sense just in time.

So I crawled out of bed slowly and went to the bathroom... thankfully I didn't wake my brothers up...

I hate myself. It's wrong, it's disgusting, it's- I'm wrong! I'm disgusting! This is all my fault!

I guess if I were... no. No, that's never gonna happen. Because what if Pony-

No! Pony's never gonna feel the same way! He'd hate me- he'd think I was disgusting, too!

...What am I even saying?

I'm sick.

~Sodapop Curtis~