I Tried My Best To Love You (Sequel To YAMFB)

Chapter 4: I'm Not That Innocent

Waiting anxiously for the letter Gerard sent to mean anything, I allow myself to slip slightly in my classes unintentionally. The panic that wakes up when I do and rarely sleeps interferes with my ability to reason and concentrate. What could he have done? I've been avoiding Gabe as much as possible, uncertain of his involvement and it has caused me to fall behind in that class more than any other. I'm not sure if part of it is my overimagination or the fact that I know Gerard very well. He's always had a flair for the dramatics so anticipating the worst might not even cut it. I wish that this hadn't happened. I thought we were in agreement that we had reached an impasse.

-

I wake up in a cold sweat after having dreamt that Gerard locked me in the trunk of his car and set it on fire. The smell of my own burnt flesh seemed so tangible though I regain my composure when I spot my roommate sleeping a couple of feet away. I decide to head outside for a night stroll and calm down. I pull myself out of bed and pull on some loosely tied worn down Vans sneakers and slip on a tattered, faded hoodie. Gently, I turn the handle and slip out of my room, locking it behind me. Once I set foot in the hallway, I feel as though I've entered an alternate universe. Music ebbs from somewhere on a different floor, adding to the Twilight Zone-esque ambiance. Emergency lights illuminate the staircase as I descend to the Exit door. As I push on the bright red door, cool autumn air takes my breath away. Once I close the door behind me, I feel a sadness weigh me down. I have nobody to turn to anymore. As I'm plagued with worry, I don't have anyone to talk to. The moon has become my best friend and the only advice it offers is to stay inside and hide.

I reach into my jacket pocket and pull out two fingerless gloves, the ones Gerard had given me, and slide them over my hands. The skeleton part has pretty much been entirely torn off. It makes it seem like my history with Gerard is so far in the past that even the gloves don't hold onto those memories. I convince myself to walk up the hill to the main part of the school, where there's a pavilion with a cold, metal bench. I can hear my breath becoming heavier as I ascend the hill and it feels as though the moon is becoming closer. As I spot the pavilion, I pick up speed and sit down. I regain my breath and tilt my head towards the roof of the small structure. Intricate metal detailing paints the illusion of painted flowers falling from the rooftop of the pavilion. I pull out my phone from my pocket and check the time. It's only 1:15 in the morning but it feels much later than that. I go through my contacts, pausing over Gerard's name before continuing through the list. Regretfully, I dial his number, if only to hear his voice ring through on his voicemail recording. Preparing the little speech in my head, I await the final ring.

"Hello?" I hear on the other end, shocking me into silence. "Who's there?"
"I-uh... It's Frank," I respond.
"Oh I thought I had blocked your number... Guess I only just deleted it. What do you want?" Gerard responds.
"I wanted to know why you keep sending me letters and threatening me and why did you block my number? We made an agreement before I left that we'd stay in contact and well, you just haven't been," I say rapidly, unsure if my speaking was at all intelligible.
"I haven't sent you any letters... not even one. I've been giving you the same silence you gave me and I wanted you to taste what it was like to feel betrayed by someone you thought you lov- trusted."
"Well that's a dick move but I guess I deserve it... then who has been sending me letters and signing it with your name?" I ask, beginning to feel as though someone is watching me.
"If you want me to be honest, I have no idea," he says, though I wasn't questioning it at that point. He openly admitted to trying to block my calls, why would he lie about this?
"Well, alright... I guess I'll let you go since it doesn't seem like you wanna talk to me anymore," I respond, biting my lip in hopes that he says soemthing. I wait a moment or so but there's no response other than the slightest hint of him breathing.
"Goodbye, Gerard," I say as strongly as possible but my voice cracks when I say his name. I hang up and just state at his name on my phone for a minute. I contemplate deleting his number but can't bring myself to do it. I sigh deeply and close my eyes. The air chilling me to the bone and reminding me that I am indeed alive. I take a deep breath and stand up, opening my eyes. I walk across the metal base of the pavilion, my footsteps echoing through the night's silence and I begin to make my way back to my room. As I step off the pavilion, I hear a nearby cough and whip my head around in its direction. Did I just imagine that or was that that real? I can feel my sanity slipping as I peer into a darkened forest and spot no life whatsoever. I shrug and continue my walk back to residence. I swear I hear a branch cracking but once again, I see nothing. This is just the night playing tricks on me, that's all... what else could it be? I hadn't noticed anything on my way here so it must just be my imagination now that Gerard told me it wasn't him who sent those fucking letters.