I Tried My Best To Love You (Sequel To YAMFB)

Chapter 7: My Love is Electric

I told Gerard what had happened between Gabe and I, unfortunately in overly excruciating detail since he kept pressing. He seemed puzzled, like he was debating whether he should be angry or not. He remained quiet for many minutes and I just stood around fidgeting with the letters in my hand. I didn't know what to do anymore. It was evident now more than ever that it wasn't Gerard directly responsable for them, and that they were real. Part of me wondered if I was imagining the words on the papers up until Gerard saw them and echoed my concerns. He finally broke the silence with a deep sign.

"This Gabe may not be involved... but if he is... I think you should get closer to him and find out. Find out what he's getting up to this week or invite him on another.. date," Gerard offers, his skin practically crawling as he says 'date'. I'm sure the idea of me finding someone else scares him but it's not his place to take right now.

"I honestly don't even know if he wants to see me. I've been pretty fucking avoidant and awful to him since then," I respond, guilt rising through my chest. I could feel the cool sweat from my back dissipating and I just wanted to disappear.

"Do what you can to talk to him...  I'll try to look into some stuff on my own if you'll allow me to have the notes." I make sure he has all of them and he leaves shortly after.  Was I supposed to send Gabe a text now?  Or wait for our next class?  Planning was never my strong suit.

-

I decide on sending an apology text and asking if he had any plans the following weekend.  I was unsure of the response I would get, and the anxiety took me by surprise.  I laid down on my bed with my phone by my side for a few hours, waiting for a response.  Every notification sent pulses of fear through my body.  I definitely deserved the silent treatment in retaliation for my own.  As I lay in my bed, procrastinating anything worth doing, I begin to fall culprit to exhaustion.  Giving in, I take more than just a short nap.

I wake up several hours later, with my phone firmly clutched in my hands.  Still there was no response from anyone.  It made me feel lonely in a sense, being completely alone with nobody trying to reach me... Then again, other than Gabe, I haven't tried to contact anyone either.  I figured, I might as well see how Ryan was doing after I saw him a couple of days ago. 

Luckily for me, he answered right away.   It was really nice catching up with him after so long.  He was somebody I shared a lot of my problems with in the past and knew me very well.  Finding out that things had changed drastically for him lately was bittersweet because I still held a candle to who he once was in my mind.  I know it's not fair to hope that people don't change for my own personal comfort but it doesn't make my selfish desires go away.  After high school wasn't a great time for him, and I was so self involved that I barely noticed. 

The next day, I crawl out of bed as my alarm pounds beside me. I knock my phone to the floor and scramble to pick it up. The sun was already reaching its peak in the sky as I finally decided to sit up on my bed. I pull on the jeans I had left crumbled beside my bed and stand to stretch. I scratch an itch behind my ear and decide to look through my notifications. Still radio silence from Gabe, but Gerard had sent a goodnight text that I didn't know I had gotten. I respond that I had fallen asleep and carry on. I check my email and handle some quick school stuff before setting my phone on my desk. I grab my towel, key and shower caddy and head to the bathroom. It was normal for me to stroll down the halls shirtless but today I felt naked and visible. I could only think about how someone might be watching me right now. It was unnerving.

I make it to the washroom and head towards the showers. I see myself in the mirror as I walk towards the counter. I set my items down and lean in close. My hair was longer than I had let it grow in a few years and I looked almost unrecognizable to myself. Even in my eyes, I didn't see me. I turned away and slid off my jeans and boxers, folding them nicely for after my shower. I set them on the counter and take my towel and shower supplies. It was late enough in the afternoon that none of the early risers were around and early enough that none of those who shower at night were here. I had the whole room to myself so I decided to leave my things in the open. I hung my towel on the hook outside the shower stall and pulled the curtain closed.