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I set my alarm on 3am in the morning. No I'm not a psychopath and I really love to sleep but Tom just happened to be on a whole different time zone than me. It's been a little bit over four months since he entered a plain to fly off to film his new movie. It's been hard. It's been lonly. Really lonly. This distance thing was just not compatible with my emotional state and I was having a hard time. So was he. That's the reason why I woke up at three am in the morning everyday to see his stupid face. My alarm went off and I shut my eyes open being a little baffled for a moment. As I remembered what my alarm was for I reached for my phone and unlocked it. Seconds later I could see Tom facetiming me and I accepted his call with a sleepy smile. "Hey.",I said and rolled onto my back rubbing my eyes, trying to get rid of the slight burning sensation. "You're really tired aren't you?",he said and I put my hands away immediatly. "No? Who said that? I could run a marathon.",I joked and winked at him. "Shut up. You wouldn't run a marathon at anytime of the day.",he chuckled and I smiled again. "You know me.",I said and we both fell silent staring at each other and I felt my heart sink. "I really miss you Tom.", I finally said and my voice sounded chocked up, not as confident as I would want it to be and he sighed. "I miss you too.", he said and ran his fingers through his hair looking really stressed which made me worry. "Don't worry about it. You just have a month left.",I said quickly and put a smile on, which didn't feel all that real. My heart was pounding in my chest and I couldn't put my finger on why. "Tell me about your schedule. What's next?",I added and changed the subject to take his mind of the real issue. "Oh...uh-..there is this event we're working for which really stresses me out because it is a huge deal. There'll be an after party to that. I don't really know if I'll go there, I have to do this other thing which still needs a lot of work and I'm not even sure..." "Hey.",I interrupted him and he looked up into the camera . "It's all going to be fine. Don't stress yourself.",I tried to calm him but he rolled his eyes. "Yeah that's easy for you to say.",he said and even though I knew that he was salty because of all things he told me about, his attitude still bugged me. "No need to be an ass about it.",I said with furrowed brows and he ran his fingers through his hair again. Rougher this time. "I know! I'm sorry. It's just so overwhelming and you're so far away and I just can't...concentrate.",he groaned and pressed his palms over his eyes. "Did you tell Harrison about this, T?",I asked now really worried but he shook his head. "It doesn't matter anyways. I just have to get it done.",he said and seemed to be annoyed but I couldn't quite tell why. "That's not true. It does matter. I don't want you to get sick Tom. Please talk to him.",I tried to convince him but he let his shoulders sink. "I gotta go, Y/N. We'll start shooting soon." "Tom..." "I love you, darling.",he said and blew me a kiss. "Tom!",I said now more persistent but he just cracked a half smile and waved into the camera. "I love you too, dumbass. Go be awesome now.",I said finally and and waved back before he hung up. It's not really necessary to tell you that I didn't sleep well that night. Might as well have ran a marathon. Would have been less tiring. *** The nice thing about our relationship was that there were no hard feelings after a little argument like that. We just kept going on with our lives because we understood each other. I knew he was being a little butthurt because of the stress and it was understandable. The next day I didn't set my alarm because I waited it to be 3am like a psychopath. I was holding my phone in my hand excitedly and smiled to myself. As soon as it was 3:00am I dialled his number and waited with a big grin on my face for him to pick up. "Hey pretty girl. What's up?",he picked up and I squealed while jumping up and down. "Gues what?!",I said inbetween my excitement and pressed my palm against my lips. "What?",he laughed and his eyes were glowing with curiosity which made me even happier. "We got it! We got the apartment we were rooting for!",I exclaimed and and threw my fists into the air. "Did we really?!",he said and got up from where he was standing. "Yes. Yes. Yes! The agent called today. I didn't want to wake you up from your sleep. You barely get any.",I said and smiled from ear to ear. "I wish I could've been there. I wish I could hold you right now.",he sighed and let himself fall onto the couch in his trailer. "I know. Me too. But keep your head up. We will be having our own apartment soon. Do you know what that means? I'll be always there when you come home. Even if it is late in the night and you can come cuddle with me or not. I mean we can do lots of other things in bed, you know...Try to think of that.",I teased him and he playfully glared at me. "Can I tell you something?",he asked suddenly. We fell silent and were just enjoying each others company when he broke the silence. I knew he would, I waited for him to break it because I knew something was troubling him. He had this restless expression on his face where he would furrow his brows slightly and chew on his bottom lip. "Of course. Shoot.",I said and looked at my feet which were leaned up against the wall. Was that a different shade of blue on my right foot? Damn it. "I'm having troubles." My head shot to my phone and I saw him look down on his feet. But I didn't say anything because I saw that he needed time to process what he was going to say. "I'm really having a hard time over here.", he said and fell silent for quiet some time and panick started to rise in my chest. "What is it Tom? You can tell me.",I assured him with a gentle voice and wished he was right next to me so I could lay my arm around him or just take his hand in mine. He opened his mouth to go on when suddenly I heared a knock on his door. "Wait a second...",he said and put his phone on to the table so that I watched the ceiling for a couple of minutes. "Darling, I need to go. There is a complication with the event next week.",he said as he picked his phone up and I nodded. "Yeah, thought so. Go. I'll call you tomorrow. We really do need to talk Tom.",I said carefully and he nodded but was lost in his thoughts. "Love you.",he said and after I told him also, he was gone. That was our last nice moment I would ever remember about us. That was also the only moment he tried to tell me about his issues. *** From that day on everything began to go downhill. While I wad at home, trying to organize the apartment thing, being excited, Tom was stressed. "Tom?"I asked for the third time and he snapped. "What? Y/N I really don't have time for this and I don't really care right now! I'm trying to organize last things about the event in three days and you are asking me about a contract? Hell I don't know okay? I don't care! ",he almost yelled and I was shocked. He sighed and started massaging his temples with his free hand, obviously annoyed with me. The thing that I was bothering him with and that he didn't really care about was our future. That hit me right in the guts. I was only asking him about when we'd be able to sign the contract. A simple question. I felt a knot build in my throat and my eyes started watering and I became angry with myself. I looked down not wanting him to see how much he got to me. "Darling, I'm sorry. Everyone is pressuring me right now. I didn't mean to take it out on..." "I think we should hang up.",I interrupted him and didn't look up, trying to gather myself together before I would look into his eyes. "Y/N please! I didn't mean-...I wasn't..." "I need to go Tom. Go finish your work. I'll finish mine.",I interrupted him again and he fell silent. "Bye.",I only said and hung up on him without waiting for an answer. He called four times after I hung up and sent me three messages but I ignored all of them. If I talk to him right now, this is going to become a huge argument. We're both on the edge of our nerves and we don't need to stress that. We didn't talk for three days in which his important event happened. I had time to cool off and called him the morning after the event but he didn't pick up. He was probably asleep with a huge headache. I smiled to myself imagening him having a hangover and sleeping it out, on his belly, face burried into the pillow. I called him five hours later but he didn't pick up. Now it was getting a little weird because he should be awake by now. I shrugged my shoulders and decided to wait and not push him. He was probably still busy. Post event things? Who knows. I made myself a nice cup of sugary tea and chose a movie to watch while I waited for him to call back. But he didn't. I called him the following two days three times a day but he did not answer once. Finally, it was a thursday night, I called Harrison when my alarm went off at 3am in the morning. "Hey!",he picked up and I exhaled thankfully. "Harrison! Thank god! Is Tom with you?",I said immediatly and and walked up and down in my living room. "Y/N! Hey- yeah,uh...i mean no. He is not. He is...out?",he stuttered and I furrowed my brows. "Harrison.",I said with a warning tone. "Alright I'm officially stepping out of this. You guys need to talk. That's all I'm going to say. No Tom I won't shut up. You shut up. Gosh! You're the one with the problem and I am...", he kept talking but the rest got cut off as he hung up. Oh shit. This was about the other night. I broke his heart. I should have been supporting him through his stressfull times but I blocked him. I pushed him away. I took my phone and wrote him a message. Dearest love, I fucked up. I am so sorry for pushing you away when you needed me the most. I'm sorry for being a bitch (even though you were a dick to me before that but that is long forgiven) Tom, I always want to be by your side even if you have to be away for several months for shooting and promo. I'll be done with college in a year and than I'll be able to travel with you. We'll have the best time of our lives. I'll be waiting for your return in two weeks. We'll talk this out when you come back, just know that I still love you. From all my heart. I sent it and waited for an answer with a big smile on my face. The smile faded with every passing minute. He didn't reply and I was left a crying mess the whole night. I messed up big time. *** I came back from college the next day feeling numb the whole time and threw myself on the couch. I didn't eat much and my body felt sore. I was watching a TV show when someone knocked on the door. When I looked at the clock I wondered who it could be. It was past midnight. When I opened the door I couldn't believe my eyes. "Tom?!",I squealed and threw myself around his neck, pulling his body close to mine, breathing in his scent. "What are you doing here?! Come in!",I said and pulled him inside closing the door behind us. "I missed you so much.", I sighed and pulled him towards me again and placed my lips against his. It took him some time to kiss me back but when he did I felt my heart lighten. Like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. He pulled away after a few seconds and stepped back. I was going to say something but he held me off. "We need to talk.",he said and his chocked up voice made my body stiffen. "What is it?",I said and furrowed my brows worriedly. He looked up from the floor and I thought my heart stopped when he looked into my eyes. His beautiful brown eyes were red and watery from crying, his lips were trembling and swollen because of the constant biting. "Tom what happened?", I said now panick rising in my voice and then it hit me. "First I want you to know that I still love you with all my heart and I am so, so sorry for what happened. You're the only one I love, you have to believe me..." "What happened?",I interrupted him and formed my hands into fists by my side trying to controll my rising anger. This couldn't be happening. "I cheated on you." My world stopped spinning. My heart stopped pounding. Everything was awefully silent. It was too loud. "What did you say?" "Please, you have to listen to me! I'm begging you. I didn't mean to...I was anxious and stressed. Frustrated really. I know these aren't excuses for what I did but..." "Did you kiss her?",I interrupted him without listening to him and he held his breath. "Answer me! Did you?!",I screamed and he nodded. "I did." "Did-...Did you sleep with her?" Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. "I did." I fucked up. I am so sorry. My words echoed in my head. I am so fucking dumb. Before I knew what I did I already had smacked him right across his face. My whole body was shivering and it felt like the room was spinning. A sobb escaped my throat and I pressed my palm against my mouth to stop the rest. I just threw myself at him and kissed him like a fucking moron! My sight got blurry because of the tears in my eyes and finally they escaped. It was a silent cry. One where you know that it has no point. One you know, will destroy you. I stumbled back slowly and shook my head trying to get rid of the images my mind made up of him being tangled in bed with another. "Please you need to listen to me. It was a big mistake. You have to believe me. I don't even know her. It just...happened. I was confused and on edge. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I need you to..." "Shut up. Shut up! Shut the fuck up!", I screamed and pulled at my own hair while shaking my head furiously. And then I went mad. I stormed towards him and started throwing punches and pushed him backwards out of the room while yelling at him. "Get out! Get the fuck out! I don't want to see you. Leave!" I slammed the door shut and slid to the floor balling my eyes out for the love of my life. He did the same thing on the other side of the door. The alarm in my bedroom went off. It was time to call him. He fucked up big time.
