All These Scars... (A Criminal Minds fan-fiction)

Chapter Eighteen

Spencer's POV:

My vision was blurry and my mouth was dry when I woke up. I slowly slipped my tongue out of my mouth to lick my chapped, burnt lips, reality still not getting to me.
All felt like a dream, like my eyes were covered with an opaque haze and I felt nothing. I wasn't scared. I wasn't angry or sorrowful or excited. And I didn't feel anything outside of my body. My limbs were all numb.
I couldn't hear anything. Just a high pitched ringing. And the only thing I could taste was the bitterness of my own saliva. I could see, though, my vision was extremely blurry, but I could see clouded shapes and objects. And light, I could definitely see light.
I felt like I was floating, and looking back now I don't know if it was all the medication pumped into my bloodstream or if I was even alive. The charts never reported me dying, but I felt lifeless. Wasn't hot or cold, not even warm. What would you call the in between ?
And then everything went dark.
This happened several times before I came to.

Hotch's POV:

JJ was the first to wake up, and when she did, I wasn't sure what to say. Our eyes locked for sometime, until eventually I told her the rest of the teams' condition.
"Who else is awake?" She croaked.
"You're the first one to wake up. Spencer is in the room next to yours, still unconscious and Derek is a couple rooms away..." I trailed off, knowing exactly where this was going. It was inevitable, I had broke the new to dozens of families that their loved one has died. Of course, it always bothered me. But not like this. This was personal to me as well.
"And," she scooted up in the bed, "is Alex awake yet?"
A weight dropped in my stomach as soon as her name escaped JJ's mouth. But, calmly and collected, I answered her the same way I answered everyone else when there was a death.
"Alex lost a lot of blood in the explosion due to a severed carotid artery," and this is where I lost eye contact and my voice quavered. "The paramedics tried their best to revive her at the scene and by the time she was transported to the hospital...it was too late. I'm sorry."
She closed her eyes, and shook her head as she processed the information.
"JJ..." I began and her eyelids slowly opened again only to be brimmed with tears. "There's something else..." I didn't know how to say it. This, this was even more personal. But I saw something in her blue eyes. I saw true pain. Not the kind you get when you've just almost been exploded or lost a friend, but the kind when you've lost yourself, or a piece of yourself.
I knew, because that same expression stared back at me in the mirror every morning and every night. Ever since Haley died.
She didn't have to say a word, and that's where I stopped with mine because even thought it wasn't me who lost a child, it was hard enough losing a friend, and seeing my friends in so much physical and emotional pain.
I'd seen families torn apart from losing a family member to a serial killer. I'd seen bloody crime scenes and blind rages and tears and grotesque bodies. But none of it hurt or bothered me as much as seeing my family in such pain. It always takes a toll.
I sat there for a minute, as a silent condolence, keeping my eyes on hers for only a minute and looking at the floor in silence. She didn't cry until I left the room and I was glad, but her sobs still echoed in the hallways and sent a guilty shudder down my spine.
I entered Spencer's room. I planned on questioning JJ after things settled down, and she had time to take in everything that happened.
He didn't wake up for another four hours.

Spencer's POV:

I gained consciousness eventually, sharp pains in my back forcing me to wake up.
My medication was wearing off, and that's when I remembered everything and desperately wanted Dilaudid again.
I opened my eyes to Hotch sitting next to my bed with his fists clenched up to his face, leaning forward, eyes closed like a distressed statue.
As if he could sense my awakening, his eyes slowly opened to meet mine.
I went to speak but he cut me off:
"No," he said calmly, "save your energy."
For what? Yes, I felt unexplainably weak and tired, but I needed to tell him so many things and ask so many questions.
"But I-"
"Spencer, stop. I see that you're in pain and I have a nurse coming back soon with more medication for your injuries. But you and I need to have a talk while you're not too medicated."
He pulled the dark hospital chair closer to my bed and leaned forward.
"Now, if your answer is 'yes' I want you to blink twice. If your answer is 'no' blink once. Do you think you can do that for me?"
I blinked twice.
"Good. Spencer, do you remember all that happened a few nights ago? The explosion. The meeting. Do you remember that fairy clearly?"
Blink. Blink.
All the memories came back. The evil spurt in my father's eyes. The explosion. My friends... Were they okay?
"Did you know the person you met at the barn?"
Blink. Blink.
That man. I wanted to scream and cry but I sat there lifeless on the bed, not knowing what to do or think.
"I have one more question... Spencer, was that man at the barn your father?"
Blink... Blink.
He nodded his head and then sat there for a moment. Almost as if he had more to say, but didn't know how to let the words leave his mouth.
"How did you know?" I finally asked, and it took so much strength but I had to know. His eyes shifted to mine and he began to speak...
"Your father's car was less than a quarter mile from the barn.."
"And the team, how are they?" I croaked.
His stare went colder.
"JJ was the first to wake up, but she's alive and breathing. Derek is still unconscious but the doctors think he'll wake up shortly. He has a broken collar bone and severed tendon in his leg since he was closer to the blast.
"Your injuries include being impaled in your left shoulder by a shard of wood and having smaller pieces lodged along your back. You're lucky you weren't paralyzed. With some therapy and rehabilitation the doctors think you guys will be out and about shortly.. And luckily, none of you were burned too badly. A few spots here and there but you should recover.." He paused. He didn't mention Alex.
But he knew that. And he knew I would ask, so he went on.
"Alex lost a lot of blood in the explosion due to a severed carotid artery. The paramedics arrived on the scene and tried to revive her but by the time she got to the hospital...she was gone. I'm sorry Spencer."
He paused, to let it soak in and man, it sure did. Alex Blake, my friend, was now gone because of me. Because I was too stubborn and selfish to forgive my father. Because I was-
"Th-There's more Spencer. Uh...there's something else. I want you to know that you probably saved JJ's life when you sheltered her with your own body. The investigators said that if you wouldn't have done that, the large shard of wood they took out of your shoulder would have ended up in her cranium.
"But when the surge of energy separated you two, it slammed her body into the side of the SUV you arrived in, and...she lost the baby Spencer.."
Blink.
Blink.
Blink.
Blink.
Blink.
No....
It was my fault. Mine. My decision ruined two lives. I felt like screaming but I held it in because I was too weak..but words or screams or tantrums couldn't explain the sadness I felt in that moment. I didn't know if I would ever be able to look into those blue eyes again without feeling pain and guilt.
At that moment a nurse walked in with more medication, and Hotch, without another word, walked out to meet Rossi in the hallway. My door closed, and the nurse spoke to me but I couldn't hear a word. I just focused on the medicine entering my veins, and nothing else...
That's a lie. Because I couldn't stop thinking about Alex and JJ...

Rossi's POV:

Hotch stepped out of Reid's room with a stressed look on his face.
"How did he take it?" I asked after he shut the door. We both stepped aside so we didn't get in the way of any nurses or visitors.
"Very well, for now. But we both know how Spencer is. He holds it all in until he snaps..." He crossed his arms and shook his head. Like Spencer, Hotch is the same way.
"So he didn't do anything when you told him about his mother?"
All I received was a look. He didn't tell him.
"What did you expect me to do, Rossi?" He shrugged his shoulders and took a breath. "I know he already blames himself for Alex and JJ's baby and his father. He has been through enough for today."
I understood. Derek didn't take the news well, but Derek has a natural fire and I was afraid Reid's flame was burning out.
"Derek is awake. Didn't take the news well. Naturally, he threw some things and yelled. Asked if we were pulling another 'Emily Prentiss' on him... I wish we were." I trailed off.
Hotch nodded his head.
"I've moved the case onto another unit. Our team is in no shape to continue and the killer is still out there," he said distantly.
"Understandable."
"And after Alex's funeral, I'm going to start searching for a replacement agent, also while the rest of the team is recovering. It'll take everyone several weeks to recover. Mostly Derek. JJ and Reid need time off for loss of a family member... This is a very shitty situation Dave."
"Tell me about it."
We walked out to the waiting room together, and saw Garcia and Savannah, a hooded man sitting a few seats next to them, his face hidden. He looked like he was sleeping.
Garcia and Savannah approached us at the same time.
"How are they?" Garcia asked, and Savannah looked at me worriedly. At this point I knew Hotch was tired of giving news so I stepped in.
"They're all awake. Derek has a broken collarbone and a severed tendon, with a few minor burns. Spencer got impaled by a piece of wood but he'll be okay, only minor burns. And JJ... Well, she's okay. Minor burns and bruises. Spencer saved her life...but...she lost the baby shortly after the explosion."
I glanced over and watched as the man with the hood shifted in his seat, but shortly looked back at the two woman in front of me. Garcia began to cry, and Savannah shook her head.
"Garcia," I put a hand on her shoulder, "Alex didn't make it." I whispered to her, but knew that wouldn't stop her from sobbing.
Savannah pulled her into a hug and closed her eyes. I could tell she was pained, but I also knew she was glad Derek was okay.
"You can go visit them if you'd like, but just for a short time. They're all exhausted," Hotch explained.
Penelope wiped her tears and nodded her head, took Savannah by the hand and began walking back with Hotch. I strayed behind, tried to find the man with the hood, but he was gone.
Something about him was off.
Just like the girl asking about my fellow agents at the ER waiting room.
But just like the last time I decided to let it go.