The Temporary Virginity of the American Player

28. Sweet Revenge.

"Lena's gone," Joe sang from the backseat of my car. "Life sucks...it's so boring...we're all gonna die...because Lena's gone."

                "That's a nice song, Joe."

"My heart is a black hole," he continued. "Because Lena's gone. My libido is in the negatives...because Lena's gone. I have to hang out with Nick...because Lena's gone. Life sucks...it's so boring...we're all gonna die...because Lena's gone."

"It's nice to know you still appreciate me, Joe. Really."

He sat up and leaned in between the front seats between Johnny and I and sang another verse loudly. "My penis has died...because Lena's gone. I hate my best friend...because Lena's gone. I have to look at Christy...because Lena's gone. Life sucks...it's so boring...we're all gonna die...because Lena is...Lena isssssssss...gone."

Johnny clapped and gave a whistle and Joe bowed. "Very nice, Joseph. You should make a CD."

"Yeah," Joe said loudly, whipping his head over to look at me. "I could make a CD, Nick. I could go to Boston. I could go to Boston with Lena. I could go to Boston with Lena and make a CD."

"Sorry, the Wiggles have enough members," I said.

"Haha, so funny. The Wiggles taught me how to make my world-famous fruit salad with their Fruit Salad song, so fuck you!"

 "Joe could join My Party with Barney," Johnny suggested, and I snickered. "He could be BJ."

"Oh, I see what you did there," I snorted, and looked back at Joe. "Get it? BJ? Huh? Huh? It stands for...never mind, he looks like he wants to kill me."

"I will," Joe said with a straight face. "Our friendship is not that sacred to me. I give a BJ to no one. Ever. It's a general Joe rule. I don't know what you do personally on Friday nights...."

 "Why do I even bother taking you out in public," I asked, grabbing a parking spot near the boardwalk. "Why? I never learn. I should have gone with Lena to Boston and left you behind to choke on your benching weights."

"Love you too, asshole," he said flatly, and instantly jumped out of the car as soon as I parked. "Wooooww! Do you see this weather right now? This is nice weather. This is really nice weather. Isn't this nice weather you guys? This is VERY nice weather. I like this weather. Isn't this nice weather, Johnny?"

"It is nice weather, Joe," he said, looking over at me. At the same time, the two said, "Isn't this nice weather, Nick?"

"Shut-up," I shouted, and locked my car up. It was an effort to run away, but Joe easily caught up at the shoreline and tackled me into the water. Johnny lagged behind, gingerly applying a layer of sunscreen onto his arms.

"What are you doing that for, you little girl," Joe yelled, and dunked me under a wave. "It's just the sun!"

 "Don't speak," Johnny called back, and dabbed a glob on the tip of his nose before ditching the bottle and coming to join us. "I am a delicate little flower. I burn like a pancake, so don't judge me."

He jumped into a wave and disappeared under the surface momentarily before popping up and spitting a mouthful of water into Joe's face. "How do you like them apples?!"

"It tastes like fish piss, you gross fuck," Joe hissed, and splashed him. This erupted a rather large and violent fight between the three of us. Joe tackled Johnny. I tackled Joe. Someone's dog began sniffing an exposed leg. I screamed in terror, as is the appropriate reaction to a strange dog, and it licked me in the face. The owner, a pretty Latino girl, came to collect the animal and immediately captured the attention of Joe, who thought it was a good time to use one of his pick-up lines that never work. "Hey, Miss, is there a mirror in your bikini bottoms?"