Summer Detour [Book 2] | Pentagon ✔

Chapter 18

[!] trigger warning: suicide

Chapter 18
What You Left Behind
HONGSEOK

I sat by the hospital bed, watching Seonho sleep peacefully, blaming myself over and over. Guilt was eating me away.

When I came back home this morning, my parents didn't really give me the warm welcome. I expected that, of courseㅡespecially from my dad. I also expected a lot of scolding, but my dad just looked at me disappointedly and marched away to their room with complete silence. My mom's eyes were red rimmed as she stared at me in resentment.

"Mom? I... I'm sorry..."

She shook her head. "You don't know what you're apologizing for, son." she said in sadness that surprised me.

"I... Is Seonho around? I want to catch up with him."

Mom broke into a loud cry that I was so taken aback. "W-what happened? Is Seonho alright?"

"You should have been there for him!" she yelled. "If you didn't leaveㅡif you bothered to... if we bothered to ask him how he's doing..."

My heart banged against my chest. "What happened to Seonho, mom?"

"He's in the hospital. He's aliveㅡ"

"What?" I ran my hands through my hair. "What's going on? Why's heㅡ"

Mom swallowed and in almost a whisper, she said: "Your brother almost killed himself, Hongseok."

For a moment I was unable to move. I couldn't believe it. Seonho, my great little brother, wouldn't do that so I shook my head. "No... he wouldn't do that! Why would he? He's perfect! He'sㅡ"

"Depressed." Mom continued.

"I need to see him. Which hospital is it?"

When she blurted out the name of the hospital, I took the van with me and drove there. My hands were clammy all over the steering wheel and my head was spinning a little. As I parked the van, my eyes were blurry and my whole body felt exhausted. I forced myself to get off the van and made my way to the hospital, to his hospital room where he was confined.

When I saw him laying there motionless, with all those tubes on himㅡI felt like I was getting hundreds of papercuts. It hurt my heart, my mind and my physical body so much that I plopped down the chair beside him while tears flew continuously on my face.

#

Mom soon arrived too and gave my back a gentle pat. She sat next to me and pulled me in an unexpected hug. "I'm sorry I blamed you." she said.

I found it so hard to get the words out. "Am I not to blame? I should have been there for him. I do not understand, mom. Seonho has always been the cheerful one. He's a perfect student body. He has so many friends. He's so nice... why would he..." I trailed off in an unexpected sob. "Why would he do something like this?"

Mom shook her head. "He left a letter for you. He left one for each of us. I'll leave you to it."

I took the letter and slowly opened it with trembling hands, then I began to read the first few words that crushed my heart.

To the best brother in the world,

Yes, you, Yang Hongseok.
First of all, I'm real sorry about this. I know I could do nothing now for you to forgive me. But I want you to know that you're the best brother anyone could ever have. We don't always see eye to eye on things. We are so different. You are not so good in school. I am great in school (in terms of grades). You were popular because you hang out with the cool kids! I am popular because I'm a genius. Alright, maybe I should stop praising myself.