I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

I'm Not That Bad

Hey, guys! Thanks for all your patience. I can't believe we're at literally 14.5 k reads. How the hell did that even happen?? Also, did you see the teaser for season 13? The level of ready I am is ridiculous.

Thank you for reading! And, again, if you need help with anything in the crisis area (suicide, self harm, ED, etc.), just text GO to 741741. They're great people and it's an all text crisis line. I love you guys!! 

 

To say she was exhausted was an understatement. They were coming back from second Dr.Tits appointment and she was not amused and extremely displeased that she'd had to wake up for an eight a.m. appointment to tell her that the medication was working fine and that she didn't need anything changed. But supposedly the office wouldn't refill the prescription without a follow-up. Casey called bull on that. She wasn't in tune with how psychiatrists did things, but when MyEyesAreDownHere handed Sam and Dean each a card with her after-hours number on it, Casey felt her suspicions that the appointment wasn't necessary were confirmed. Seeing as it was regarding Casey's mental health, her brothers were oblivious to her flirting again. Even though they both pocketed the card, she had little doubt that they were actually keeping it in case they did have after hours questions.

"When is this next appointment now?" Casey asked.

"October twenty-third, at ten in the morning," a gravelly voice said beside her. Casey shrieked. Even though she knew the voice to the point where she could pick it out of a crowd of hundreds, she would never get used to its unexpected presence.

Dean pulled to the shoulder and slammed the breaks. As soon as the car stopped he twisted in his seat. "Cas, what the hell?" Casey was surprised, but she hadn't expected Dean to be angry.

"You texted me." Dean seemed to have forgotten, even though he'd sent the message only seventeen minutes ago. But there was always so much going on in the Winchesters' lives that it made sense he'd forget a few things. He turned to the smallest passenger and smiled at her. "Hello, Cassandra. How was your morning?" Casey's spine straightened up and she glared at her brother.

"You texted him?" she hissed.

"Not about this! I told him that we were busy the third Wednesday in October and he just showed up. I'm guiltless here." Dean held his hands up defensively. He would not be taking the fall for a lapse in trust that didn't happen.

Casey switched her glare over to Sam, who adopted the same 'innocence' posture. "I'm clear. I haven't talked to Cas in a couple of days."

Her eyebrows knitted together and she looked to Cas for an explanation. "You smell sterile, but not like formaldehyde, and none of you would wake up this early without a reason, and I would have been alerted if you were going on another hunt." Sometimes the crap that came out of his mouth sounded like a medical textbook definition. "And you are the most agitated, which leads me to believe that you were the one who had business in a clinic. Was it about your medication?"

Casey's face flushed red and she looked at her brothers. "What. The. FUCK?" By the end of her exclamation her voice sounded more like a dying ghost than a human. She was angry. Not the normal kind of Casey angry that could be calmed down with a distraction or a talk, but the special kind of angry. A type of angry that could almost rival their father's. "Which one of you told him? I told you my condition to taking those stupid pills. You knew, both of you fucking knew, that I didn't want him to know that I was being drugged up. I wanted him to think I was handling this on my own- and now you two have gone and fucked it all up!" Angry tears flowed down her face, but Casey didn't even care to wipe them. She was so humiliated and betrayed. She'd placed so much faith and trust and practically goddamn pixie dust into her brothers. She'd trusted them with one of the biggest secrets of her life, and then they'd gone and deliberately ignored her single request, to not tell Castiel about her psychotropic drug.

"Case, I swear, neither-"

"You shut your liar mouth, Sam Winchester. I trusted you." Her voice broke, the feeling of being hurt taking over her anger. She wished she could just stay angry.

"Cassandra, I-"

"Just shut up, Cas. Please. God, I can't... I... God. Please, Cas. I can't even look at you right now." She pressed her hands to her head. The pressure was building between her ears again. She hadn't felt it in weeks, but it had come back just as strong as before.

"Casey," Dean began softly. She was pissed- livid. But neither him or Sam had snitched. They'd promised her. "We would never hurt you like this."

She looked up from her lap. Her tears were no longer just angry tears, they were hurt tears. "Then why did you?" Dean's heart cringed. She was in a lot of pain.

"They didn't. I already knew, although why you chose not to tell me is a little confusing," Castiel interrupted. Honestly, his feelings were a little hurt. He didn't realize that this was the secret they were protecting, but from the moment he'd walked in after she'd began taking them he was completely aware. He didn't want to mention it, figuring it was something she just didn't feel like talking about because she didn't think it was important enough to bring up. "Your molecules have been different for weeks and your serotonin levels are completely different than they were when I'd healed you, as well as your entire demeanor," he explained. It was a little ridiculous to think that he wouldn't have noticed. He could smell a bladder infection on a cadaver- an antidepressant was no issue for him at all, especially since it was a common smell.

Casey's chest deflated some. She hadn't realized how tense her entire body had gotten. "Wait... you knew?" she asked cautiously.

"I've known since you started them."

"But you didn't bring it up?"

"I had no reason to."

Casey was mildly mindblown. Her freaking angel had known the entire time and never said anything? She was so ashamed of herself for giving in and taking these pills and had been so cautious to make sure Castiel didn't find out, but then he already knew? And didn't even think it was a big deal in the slightest? It was an enormous deal to her, but he was acting as if the secret she was protecting with her entirety was the fact that she'd had pizza for dinner.

"It is a common scent," Castiel interrupted her thoughts.

Casey looked up at him. "You weren't supposed to find out." Then she looked at her brothers and remembered what had just happened. Her hands flew to her cheeks. "Oh my God. Oh my God. You guys, I am so sorry. Holy crap, I am so freaking sorry. You don't have to shut your liar mouths because you aren't liars and you kept my secret like the amazing brothers you are but I've gone and been so rude. I'm so sorry. I didn't-".

"Case. Stop it. You're gonna make yourself feel like crap. Dean and I are fine. Look," he pointed to his and Dean's eyes. "Fine. But you have to know that we wouldn't tell secrets to anybody like that." Casey let go of a long breath she wasn't aware she was holding. It made her glad to know that she could still trust her brothers. She didn't realize it, but in such a short span of time she'd come to the conclusion that she was alone again, with no one to talk to. It wasn't conscious, but her greatest fear was being alone again. They'd come so far in building their relationship. And even though she was working on building her own skill set to manage her emotions in a more constructive way, she also relied on the Dean and Sam to have her back if she needed to troubleshoot something because alternatives weren't working enough. The trust wasn't there completely, but she it was growing. She knew that she was beginning to trust them, but she didn't grasp how much she'd come to depend on that trust.

She looked up when she felt a hand on her leg. It was Dean reaching over the seat. "You okay?" Casey took several seconds to assess herself then nodded. "'Kay. You hungry? I could use something to eat." She shook her head. "You're killing my buzz, kid."

"You're driving. You shouldn't have a buzz," she pointed out.

"Dean, we don't even have anything to drink in here." Dean rolled his eyes at Sam.

"Fine. Taco Baco drive through it is, then," he paused. "Actually, McNaldo's. I'm not going to be stuck in a car with you and Mexican for another half hour."

"I'm not that bad," Sam sighed.

"Yes, you are," said Castiel.