Chasing Cassy

Kabanata 11

Nag-iisa. I'm a loner. Hindi ko ipinagkakaila na isa akong loner. Back then we had a nice and loving family. Yung pamilyang alam mo na maiintindihan ka sa lahat ng bagay. Yung pamilyang hindi ka iiwan. Naaalala ko pa, na bully ako sa school dati. Kinuha ako ni Mom at Dad, pinagalitan nila yung lalaking nang-bully sa akin. Nakabalik kami ng bahay na kino-comfort nila ako. That's when I realize, I had a almost perfect family. My mom is in love with my dad. My dad is so in love with my mom. Mahal nila ako, importante ako sa kanila.

Akala ko yun na yung magiging buhay ko. Akala ko almost perfect na ang pamilya ko. I always think about having a family like what I had when I was little. I always want a peaceful life for us...for me. But living is suicide sometimes. It's hard to live. It's hard to fight. It's hard to accept every fact around you. Because living is fighting and accepting, right? It's suicide. We can't easily accept the things that hurts us the most. We can't just fight without having a fear that we might lose. We can't just live without dying. We can't die without living. But what's the point? Why bother live in this cruel world if we're all going to suffer? Why bother accepting? Why stay?

If I were to pick between, to stay or to leave? I'll leave. Because what's the point? I'm gonna suffer anyway. But hey, it's reality now. I'm staying. I have my mom, if she'll suffer some cruel pain, then I'll suffer with her. But I'm here in the middle of a crowd standing, thinking why was I lost? Why am I here? Why do I need to suffer? Why am I hurting? Do I even belong here? Do I even have a family? Do people even care? Do they love? Do they promise? Promise. Hell of a word. He promised me one thing. He'll fix this, he said. But, having another family, is that fixing? Is that even necessary? Is that even okey? Does it hurt? Because for me, it did hurt. Seeing how my mom drops a cup of milk in the morning  and crying over spilled milk. How she screams in pain. How she drinks every night, all day. It's nerve wrecking. It did hurt how she almost forgot that she still have a daughter. She can't even look at me. She can't even answer my questions, smile at me, or even joke on me. What happened to the 'It's just YOU and ME' thing? Ako nalang ba ang lumalaban? Why am I even fighting? Oh, because I love her even if it's so unfair that I'll fight alone. She's hurting but what about me? I don't have someone to talk to. Charmae. I have her but I don't want to be a cry baby and a nerve wrecking bitch in front of her.

Shits.

That's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm in a deep shit. The world is laughing at me. 'How lonely you are, Cassandra. You're whole damn life is ruined. Your dad finds another girl. Your mom forgets you, still existing. And you, oh god! Haha you're so lost and hopeless. You can't even think straight. You're a loser. A loner. Get a life!' Get a life, Cassandra. Get a fucking heck of a life. How can I even do that? I'm useless.

"Napapagod ka na ba?" Sobra.

I look at him in the eye. How can you do that? How can you be so happy, looking so adorable like you don't have a problem in your whole life? How?

"Huh?" I look at him in awe.

"Then rest." I want to. I badly want to.

He smiled. I wish I could smile too like that. I wish I could curve a smile in my lips. I wish I could laugh at this. I wish I could. But hell, I know I can't. This pain...it's killing me.

"Nakakapagod no? Nakakapagod mag mahal pero sa bandang huli, they'll end up leaving you." He said while looking away. It's tiring. It's tiring that you want to fix everything but you can't even fix your own self. It's tiring. So damn tiring.

"Pero diba, kapag mahal mo hindi ka napapagod?" I asked looking at him while he's looking the other way. I bet kung sinong tinitingnan nya sa malayo.

"That's not it. You love the person, yes, you'll expect that you won't get tired. But hey, we're humans, we know when to stop and rest. We know the feeling of being tired." Huminto sya saglit at yumuko. "You see, hindi naman ibig sabihin na mahal mo eh hindi ka na mapapagod. We have limits, Cassandra. At alam natin kung kailan magpahinga." He said while still looking at the ground. What did I do? Why can't you look at me, Liam? I want you to look at me.

I let out a heavy sigh. I don't know when or how to start living my life alone. I can't lose my mom, that would be the end of me. I can't lose myself too, that would be the end of my mom. Who's going to take care of her when I'm gone? I can't leave her. I can't fail on her.

"Let it out. One day, you'll thank me for saying this to you. Let it out, Cassandra. Let it all out, be brave. Rest when you need to. This is life, cry when you feel like crying. Leave when you feel like escaping...but think, think before you go away. Don't run away from problems that are still solvable. Be brave. Let it out." He said... and this time he's staring at me. Smiling. Half smiling I guess. I don't know, I feel comfortable with Liam right now. I feel like I have someone to lean on to. Someone that can make me feel safe. Someone that can understand me.