What We Do is Secret [XOXO]

.august 18, 2016 (where we will begin)

Venice. Jesus, why was he in fucking Venice? And not even the one people spend an arm and a leg going to visit. No. Venice USA... no boat rides, no wall of lovers, no royal hotels or romantic settings under the moon. He didn't get asked to come here to hold hands and listen to some guy in black and white stripes play the violin.

Nope. He got asked to come here by a guy who, yeah well granted... he did wear black and white stripes, but this was so far from anything relating to the city of lovers. Gerard even scoffed a bit when he truly realised the irony of the entire scenario and setting, chewing on a nail that had grown out just enough for his small teeth to catch. He was starring off into the distance again, but not really looking at anything.

The smell of coffee coming from the table. It was unlike him to just leave a cup of coffee like that and his company knew it too. But Gerard was actively trying not to look in the direction of the where the true story sat opposite him, sipping on his own cup of black coffee, and sending the smell of Marlboro Reds to under Gerard's nose... further reminding him of things he thought he stopped thinking about. Damnit! Why did he think he could do this? To test himself? To prove to himself that he would be okay? Closure? What? What the fuck was he doing there?

"Gerard? You okay?" Frank cocked a brow, chewing on the side of his mouth as Gerard just continued staring off into nothingness, mumbling the 'well if you wanted honesty' reference to their own song under his breath. A reflex reation from back when the song was still new, but then he used to say it with the cheeky smirk and Loki's mischief 'coz he knew just how much it annoyed the guys. Man, that line had gotten old quickly, Frank was the only one who had found it amusing right till the end, but Gerard knew it had less to do with him making the reference and more to do with the annoyance of the rest of the guys.

"G!" Frank pushed, letting the nic name slip from his lips and finally be the jolt needed to pull Gerard's eyes to him.

The older man squinted at Frank, then looking down to his cup of coffee and finally deciding to actually drink it. Taking the first sip, Gerard's senses awoke and his voice freed with surprise. "This is good!" Gerard blinked back at Frank. He wasn't sure why he was expecting it not to be, but it really did catch him off guard.

Frank giggled, lowering his cup from his face and shaking his head in a way that told Gerard his outburst was a lot funnier than intended and even a little ridiculous considering he'd been sitting there silent for almost 5 whole minutes... that the first sign of genuine life should be shown over coffee excitement instead of the fact that he was seeing Frank again for the first time since October 23, 2014. Frank would never forget that date... never. And even though Gerard pretends to be aloof about it all, Frank knew Gerard remembered every last second. "What, you think I'd ask you'ta come out here and give you shit coffee?"

Gerard scoffed. Frank was right, he knew better than to antagonize that side of Gerard. But in retrospect, the fucker would pull a sick prank like that though. Maybe not with the coffee but Gerard did feel like he was being pranked now as he once again tried to avoid the hazel eyes staring back at him. "No, but you would ask me out here'ta give me just plain shit." He half smiled into his cheek, doing a quick but subtle scan of his surroundings. It was a habit by now, especially when he and Frank were anywhere within walking distance of each other. "Why'd you ask me to come here, Frank?" Gerard asked pulling on his worn out Metallica t-shirt to try and mask the weight gain, painfully aware that the sunlight shone directly on his otherwise gray appearance. It was one of the reasons why he cursed himself for ever agreeing to this in the first place. He fucking hated flying too, and yet here he was, ticket bought the moment he received that request. When did he lose his cool like this? And Gerard wondered if Frank had somehow snatched it up and kept it in one of his plastic containers - the fucking hoarder that he is. The son of bitch's mouth pulled to the side and Gerard knew Frank could practically smell his bitter insecurities.

"To lay it all out." Frank said sipping on his steaming cup of black coffee. He'd seen Gerard at rock-bottom before, but this was different. This didn't come from a rock 'n roll lifestyle or living in the fast lane. There were no awards or sold out shows to justify the level at which he had fallen now. But Frank still managed to beam at the man who used to be and probably still was... everything. He would not allow Gerard to leave there this day feeling the same way he did upon arrival. It didn't matter what would happen, or how Gerard would react, so long as Frank said what he needed to say and for the first time, allow Gerard to say what he needed to. He didn't expect Gerard to be in it as seriously as he was. Frank had had time to prepare, to reflect, to really think about everything and work through it not only in private but in studio too. For Gerard all this was just sprung on him. He would no doubt jump to his usual dodging tricks, but that was okay... Frank was prepared for that. He had thought this through for once.

Another reason why Gerard was there. If Frank was going to release his album Parachutes, then he would have to let Gerard hear it first... give his blessing. Frank was learning from his past mistakes. He knew the disrespect and childishness that lay in his previous attempts to purge himself. He wouldn't let this be like that. Frank was different now. He was sorry and he wanted Gerard to really know that, even if the man giggled it off nonchalantly and acted like it ain't no thing, Frank knew Gerard would feel it harder than anyone when he caught a moment to himself to take his mask off and with it the control he so tightly kept on his feelings.

But goddamnit, they had to do this. He had to do this. It was his way of making everything in head okay. It was his way of finding peace, of coping in a healthy way for the first time, but at the same time, he needed Gerard to be okay with this too. If he wasn't, then it would defeat the whole purpose of seeking peace. They had hurt each other enough. Frank needed them both to heal now, not by stepping on each other, but by finally looking each other in the eye and saying that it really is okay.

"What you talkin? There's nothin'ta lay out." Gerard pulled himself together, finding his 'I have no idea what you're talking about' mask and taking a long sip of coffee. He knew it was pointless to try and deflect but he had to try anyway. It was just the way he was wired. He fucking hated these awkward moments when something or someone confronted him about anything. And Frank had a weird way of never allowing him to just get away with it. And all it took really was the thin line Frank's mouth now pulled into with a frown that made Gerard feel like he was the one being childish now. "What if I don't wanna?" Gerard squinted as his mouth twitched at the sharp reality that Frank's eyes still made him feel so goddamn exposed. "What if I can't?"

Frank's cheeks rose in a smile looking down at his coffee. God he looked so good. Wrecked, tired and overworked, but Frank always had a way of making that look like sex. His hair was still slightly damp from the wash he must've given it that morning and he was freshly shaved. Gerard knew. He could smell the aftershave. All this of course just reminding Gerard of his own dull appearance. He was not used to this vastly unbalanced scale. He hadn't felt this particular kind of insecure in over 20 fucking years. It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done with your life. No one... he thought... no one ever wants an ex to spot them looking like anything less than sex... regardless of if you still give a fuck or not, they still need to see you and think 'Jesus... Grrrrr.'

Much like the way Gerard was looking at Frank right now, watching him suck on his lip before looking back up at the former MCR front man with that school-boy-cheeky face that always managed to tear Gerard's world apart. "Then you wouldn't have come all the way out here." And that's when Gerard saw it... the 'Grrrrr' in Frank's eyes as well. And right then and there he realised the idea that a part of Frank might still really want him... put the fear of god in Gerard Way.