Muses

16. Home

I've always been short of words,
When it comes to describe anything about us.
And I find it more difficult than ever today,
When I have so much to say.
I can't bare my soul,
To my supposed soul mate.
I can't stare at the hole,
Which has been punched through the walls of fate.
My throat runs dry but I don't want water,
I just need our hands with interlocked fingers.
I've never been one to lose my appetite,
But three days and two nights,
And everything is tasteless,
Everything is useless.
I'm not broken I'm not empty,
There's just nothing left of me.
I've never shed such  scorching tears,
Because once again I'm alone and unsafe from all my fears.
I've never known much of a home,
So I built one for us,
With everything I owned,
But now I don't know if you'll ever come back to it again,
I hate it once more, the sound of the rain.
And the pain is making me numb,
I have no clue how I have this bruise near my thumb.
I just wanted to make you happy,
For you still mean the world to me,
I only had myself to give to you,
With whom you're not sure what do.
There's so much bottled up inside,
I don't know how to tell you without breaking on the outside.
And I can't have that again,
There's no one left to put back pieces of me, when.
I wish I could make this easy,
I wish I could walk away without being queasy.
But how do I leave you alone so sore,
When I promised to love you forever and more.
I dream of you pushing me away,
I dream of me being without you everyday
And the bleariness of that picture haunts me,
I'm sorry I'm so selfish, I can't imagine you with anyone except me.
The wind chimes on the window of the  home we built,
Beckon me again and fill me with guilt.
They tell me once again that I wasn't good enough,
They tell me once again that I should leave, I've failed you enough.
They question and mock,
I have no answer, and I'm not ready to open the door where everyone is going to knock.
I'm so scared to face them alone,
How will I tell them that while you faced everything alone,
I didn't realise you were in so much pain and agony,
That I was oblivious to your suffocation because of me.
I'd change it all again, really. 
Just the way you'd like it to be.
But what do I say to that girl inside me,
Who demands that I set you free,
Who knows that no one can love you more than her,
But that she wasn't good enough for you ever.
I should accept it and move on,
But as long as you still care, I promise I'll hold on.
You're confused and you need your time,
And I'll wait for as long as you say you're mine. 
But I fear that our home might be swept away,
With the huge waves that surround it today.
So while you're gone, I'll guard it the best I can,
Hoping you'll come back soon, to hold my hand.