No one knows what love is (#1)

9. The childhood I never wanted - Jordan

If you could ask me how was yesterday's night? I would reply saying that it was great or good, but that would be lying. Yesterday’s night was one of the best night of my life. Hunter’s company was enough to keep me awake the whole night. You know, I just feel like I could tell a million people about what happened, I want to shout the truth about how I feel at that moment out to the whole world, but of course, I couldn't. I kept it to myself, adding it to my treasure chest of ‘Secrets’.

The next morning when I woke up, I felt as if I had just been "refreshed” by what happened yesterday. The world moved a lot more vibrantly and lively around me. What previously was Grey had colours now. What used to be boring, become so much more enticing? This morning, I didn’t start my day like I usually would, instead  I found myself sitting on the chair beside the giant glass window and looking out, wondering what Hunter is doing. Maybe he is feeling the same way about me, maybe he is doing the exact same thing as me that moment. I had never felt this way before. It was something new. I liked that feeling and never wanted it to leave.

I had lived in Nebraska my whole life and still is. Having lived with my mom my whole life, I had no idea who my Dad was. Though, I could never get over the fact that my Dad is an evil bast-... Who left mom all alone when she conceived me.  I hated him so much that I would dream about him as an ugly person, that he was cursed by an evil witch, that he was the unluckiest man alive, always getting into accidents and such. It's funny because that would mean I think of him every day. When I am sad, I used to wonder where my Dad is, he should be right beside me. When I am happy,  I could never share my joy with my Dad, let alone a Dad. He is just never there for me, and I do miss him, dearly.

My mom used to describe my Dad as her first love. Like that even meant something because he left right after she gave birth. But she said she never regretted marrying him in the first place, because without him, there would be no me. However just the thought of being a fatherless daughter just made me more disgusted of myself and of my family. Once in primary school, each student was asked to present their family tree. At first I thought that maybe a lot of the fathers out there are as evil as mine, so they probably left their children as well. One by one, classmate after classmate was asked to go on stage to present their family tree. Every child who went on stage all had a father. I was the only one who didn't have one. I tried to examine each family tree as close as possible, trying to find one that had 'faults', of course nothing turned out the way I expected it to be.

The time arrived when I have to present, I was really nervous, nervous about presenting, nervous about the questions that will come after that. Q&A with a bunch of kids, is tough, really tough and I learnt that on that very day.

  "Jordan, you're up!"  Mrs Scott pointed to the stage and nodded towards me. .

I got onto my feet, picked up my large cardboard, and tried to walk as casually as possible onto the stage. When I got there, I could feel my sweat dripping down my forehead, I could feel my legs turning into jelly. I knew that it was not going to go well, but still, I persisted.

"This is my family, it’s just me and my mum, I do have relatives, 1 uncle and 1 aunt. My grandpa and grandma still lives, not with us, but in another house not too far from mine. I would say that I am satisfied with my family……” I pause. . “And what they are doing for me. My Mum has long brown hair just like me, people say I look just like her when she was younger. They say I will grow up to look like her too. I like it when people say that because I love my Mom. When I was younger, she would sit by my bed and put me to sleep. On Saturdays, when she is not working, she would bring me out to the park and play with me. I’ve lived with her all my life, I am honestly not sure what I would do without her. My mom is the most important member of my family, maybe the only one I interact with, but I don’t mind, because one mother is all I need……”I paused again. I felt my anger and hatred against my father building up inside of me. At that moment, I was like a bomb, a slight touch, and ……

“Where’s your Dad?” a kid in the back row raised his hand up and asked.

“Umm……”I tightened my grip around my blouse, my voice turned shaky and soft. I tilted my head downwards and looked at the ground, eyes bloodshot. Badum...... Badum...Badum, Badum. My breathing got faster and shorter.  I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead, slowly making its way down my cheeks. I knew that I had to regain composure but somehow it was hard to even get hold of my thoughts. I was trying not to say anything embarrassing, anything bad, anything that would make me seem different from everybody else. My whole body got cold, and like a bomb, I finally let my emotions go.

I ran out of the classroom.

I can still remember what I felt when running out of that classroom, hurt. Tears of hate and embarrassment watered my eyes. I curse you Dad, whoever you are!  I wanted to shout, to scream. I ran to the only place in the school where I can find peace. The library. Quiet places always appealed to me, the silence of being by yourself is comforting. Once there, I sat down, and I placed my head on my folded arms on the table in front of me. I cried that whole day. Life can be really unfair, I knew that from the very beginning, it almost feels like a curse to be living in it. A walking curse. Pretend if we all started the same way, an empty shell. Fate is the one that fills those empty spaces, it fills it with information, information about your past, present and future. You don’t get to choose how your shell will be like, you only get to live in it. That is why I really pity those in starving countries. Do they really deserve a life like that? The answer is no. Likewise, I know I can’t change the past, but if I had a chance to turn back time, I could get my father to stay……stay.

The teacher had to call my mom, to come pick me up. 

"You know, it's Okay to not have something other people have" Mom talked to me in their car along the way back home.

"No its not okay, nothing ever okay, nothing’s going to be okay! Don't you get it Mom? My life stinks, why can't I just have a life like everybody else, to be able to see the world like them? I just don't get it." I laid my head on the window, and looked out on to the fast moving Street.

"It means that you are different, you have something other people don't have, or in this case, something other people have and you don't. There's is nothing too shameful about it, just trust me, having a father may not necessarily be a good thing. 10 years down the road, when you go to college, you will come to realize that being happy is not about what you have, it's about who you are. “Mom replied.

The rest of the trip stayed silent. I wondered where my father could be, and cursed him.