I'll Be Better Tomorrow (frerard)

heart breaks

Gerard awoke that morning, and Frank had never been happier to see him. He kissed Gerard deeply; it was short because Frank couldn't contain a smile. "Hey, hey, yeah, good morning," Gerard croaked, brushing Frank off. "My fucking voice." He clawed at his throat, like it would make some impact.

Frank was hardly disheartened, and moved in to press his lips to Gerard's throat. "Tea, right?" Frank asked, nuzzling Gerard's shoulder.

"I'd appreciate it," Gerard said, leaning back, pushing Frank away. Frank didn't really notice, or comprehend it, and cupped Gerard's face with another kiss before leaving the room. The hallways were empty, and Gerard's favorite kind of tea was available. Frank wasn't keen on being without Gerard after the ordeal of the night before, but it would be worth it to help Gerard, to take some of his pain away. He wanted to get back to Gerard, keep holding him, kiss him more.

Generally, Frank was cheerful when he stepped in the room and saw Gerard again, except—except Gerard wasn't cheerful about seeing him. Frank was smiling from the doorway, but Gerard didn't smile back, biting his lips instead. He broke eye contact with Frank, looking to the side of the room. "Gerard?" Frank asked, not knowing if Gerard was in pain or what the issue was. "What's wrong, my love?"

"Don't call me that," Gerard snapped.

"What?" Frank said, a little shocked, a little disbelieving.

"Don't—Don't...." He trailed off. "Here, just. Sit down, I want to talk to you."

Frank's stomach was already in knots, but he sat beside Gerard anyway. "What's going on, G?"  

Gerard cleared his throat. "I'm going to die, Frank. I know that, you know that; we both have for a while." Gerard looked like he was expecting Frank to affirm this, but Frank didn't say a word. "And that's really hard on both of us, especially now, after everything..." Gerard was being too careful with his words, and Frank didn't like it, knew something was seriously off. "What I mean is, I know how much you're struggling with this, you're watching it all happen to me, and I've been awful, not trying to hide it, laying it all on you . . . It's hurting you, Frank."

"What are you trying to tell me?" Frank already knew Gerard was worried about him, but he didn't need to feel guilty.

"You shouldn't have to see this. You shouldn't be here. It's already over, it's only going to hurt us more if—"

"If what?"

"If you stay with me." Gerard stopped, unable to look at Frank. At first, Frank didn't understand, not really, the extent of what he was saying.

"We've talked about this—I'm going to be right here with you, I'm not going anywhere," Frank said.

Gerard shook his head. "I... I don't want you here with me anymore. I'm letting go of everything, so it can just be over."

Frank couldn't have felt more hurt, Gerard couldn't have said anything more painful to him. "Gerard, you don't really mean that, do you? I thought—"

"I don't want to have to see you everyday, I don't want to be with you anymore, when I'm just going to die."

"Are you seriously breaking up with me?" Frank whispered.

"I mean... yes, I am breaking up with you."

Frank spluttered a bit. "Just last night you were telling me—"

"I meant everything I said. I'm not taking that back. But I need this to be over so I don't have such a hard time letting go."

"I can't just leave you, Gerard. I guess this makes sense, but you're killing me with this. I'm willing to—I want to—stay with you until it's over."

"It is over, you don't understand. There's nowhere to go from here. You said you didn't want me to leave you, you didn't want to lose me, but it's going to happen either way. It's only going to hurt less like this, and it'll help me."

Frank pursed his lips, rubbing the side of his face nervously. "This does hurt me. Please, please, think about this more, Gerard. Think about us." He looked into Gerard's hazel eyes, the boy he'd given all his love to, every emotion.

"I'm really loyal. I wouldn't want to end this for any reason besides what I've given you. I know it's what I need."

Frank continued the sentence for him. "And you know I'd do anything to help you."

"I'll feel better if you just go," Gerard said with a grimace. "It hurts me too."

There were tears in Frank's eyes, knowing he couldn't beg for Gerard to change his mind. "I'll miss you," Frank said.

Gerard nodded. "I'll miss you, too, but, I'm gonna try not to think about it."

Still in a state of shock, Frank felt like the ceiling was caving in, like he was drowning. Gerard was ending their relationship, everything they'd ever done together, every touch and every loving gesture they'd ever made, torn to bits when Frank was least expecting it. Through everything, since Gerard got sick, Frank had been thankful for the constant love passed between them, a strong relationship in the midst of everything. He had expected to lose everything all at once, lose the love and Gerard altogether, but now it was more torturous in a way; the heartbreaks would be dragged out longer. His love for Gerard was registered in him before his heartbreak, and he found himself standing up to leave.

"If you feel differently, or if something happens, you need anything, I'll still be ready to do it for you. I'll still always be here for you. That's not going to—"

"Frank, Frank," Gerard cut him off, green eyes swirling with cold, "just leave. You're only making it worse. You won't be seeing me again."

Gerard couldn't realize how bad he was breaking Frank, how torn apart he was. He looked down at Gerard in the hospital bed, feeling a pull in his gut of love, of hurt that he couldn't have it anymore. All he wanted was to kiss him, kiss him goodbye, if he wasn't ever going to see him again . Wanted to tell him how much he loved him, how much he meant to him, one last time. And he couldn't do it.

Frank met Gerard's eyes, knowing he must have looked pathetically emotional, desperate for a change of Gerard's heart. Frank searched Gerard's face, memorizing frantically. It was, after all, the last time Frank would see Gerard's face, eyes looking back at him. Unless, Frank thought, it was an open casket funeral.

Gerard buried his face in his hands as Frank left the room.