The Diary Of An Emotional Teenaged Girl (AKA Me)

And So This Begins

Eventually, you'll find in one of my other books a backstory to how I am and what is causing me to feel like I do. I am very rarely in the slumps of life, and to be as frank as a hotdog, I generally feel like I can do anything.

I have no reason to believe that school is a main reason to cause the distress that I feel, however, I do not know what else I can possibly do to help it. I've tried distracting myself but it's no use. But here's the gist.

I'm an attention whore.

Explanation: I feel like everything that could possibly go wrong in my life, has been going just as expected when you're in the dumps, and by that I mean that everything goes miserably. I had to drop an AP class because I already couldn't keep up with it two weeks into school. I have a solid 69% in my Physics class and still have no idea what velocity means. We're now a month into school and I've already cried about how hard it is, and I've managed to get caught in drama and arguments with people I haven't even known for five weeks. My friends at my old school have already cast me out and are snaking me saying they miss me but then they go on and plan things without me. No one talks to me at my old school except for my sole friend who is the only person in the world I feel that I can trust anymore with the exception being my mother. My father isn't necessarily a dead-beat, but he sure is hell isn't someone I want to see ever again once I leave for college in two mere years. I have an idea of where I want to go, but the ability to have teachers and higher up board members give an average B+/A- student a healthy scholarship seems something that could only happen either at random or in movies, and even the second option seems more realistic. I'm not an awful kid, sure I talk a good amount and I have an unhealthy relationship with my iPhone, but I keep up with 99% of my homework and I try to involve myself in any extracurricular that doesn't require me to run.

I also have the tendency to realize that I have ADHD, and even fidget spinners can't help me. Allow me to try my explanation again.

Explanation (TAKE TWO): My emotions are generally in the high because there's usually a guy that I'm talking to. It's weird for me to think this is why I'm usually so high-spirited but I've realized the trend, and all the results show that me + male species = happy hormones, which makes sense. To elaborate on why I find it to be so weird, it's because I am a very independent person. I never ask for help and I will almost never let anyone help me. I feel like if I take care of myself, then I won't feel like a useless, needy person who takes everything from everyone by throwing themselves pity parties. Sure, in a sense I am throwing myself a pity party, but I like to think of this more as a rant to help clear my overloaded head. Now that I've gotten that out of the way I can explain how I feel now. Empty.

You don't know this, but I went through a breakup. Yes, I broke up with him and I never really felt much attachment to him the entire time, but I gave it a shot. Unfortunately now, I have no male species in my life for me to bother. That's not because I broke up with him, it's because I transferred schools. The truth of the matter is, I wanted to leave my home school before I even entered it. I'm a junior this year, meaning I'm basically a free bird that still can't go anywhere. Like a dog with a shock collar. Eighth grade I learned about a culinary program that was at a school far away from by sorta hometown. Being a chef has always been my dream and getting away from the middle school I was stuck at seemed too good to be true. I visited five open houses for the same small program. There wasn't a doubt that if I went that many times, they'd have to let me in. Of course, in the year that I joined I was told of how they let anyone that applied in so that they could get more numbers. It didn't matter to me though. I still got in and that's all that mattered. It didn't matter that I didn't know anyone. In my eyes, it was a fresh slate. No more teachers could gossip about me because they didn't know me and I was going to make sure they didn't. But because I didn't know anyone, that meant that no one knew me. No more guys would come over at lunch and hang out with me and my friends because I was there and being all flirty and whatnot, and no more home-school guys would be hitting up my phone asking how my day went. It feels kind of lonely now, even though I have four new guy friends. Being "friends" with a guy isn't the same in my head as dating a guy, but I think that's the norm.

Well Amanda, why don't you flirt with them?

Well fellow reader that most likely didn't know my name, first, now you do, and second, because unfortunately for the school letting anyone in, that meant that all the kids of lower intelligence got in too, which means lots of druggies. Not that I'm not friends with people that smoke and drink, it's just that I have high standards when it comes to guys and dating them. I could lower those standards, sure, but why should I do that when a guy I fell in love with met every requirement on my list? Also, three of the four have girlfriends, not that I'm a relationship kind of girl anyway. In fact, my miserableness from dating lead me to break up with that guy previously mentioned. That and I didn't really like much about him. Not my type, whatever.

So yeah, I basically just feel kind of empty now, and I think it's because my DM's are as silent as Starry Night, but who knows? Anyway, back to homework.