The Diary Of An Emotional Teenaged Girl (AKA Me)

I Fell In Love

Sure, if you've read the first part of this, you'll know I fell in love once. 

I'm only sixteen so who knows whether it's truly love or not, but I think it is. Lemme tell ya.

Alllll the way back to eighth grade this story begins.

Imagine me, however you can imagine me to look like. I could be a tater tot or a mailbox or a stick figure, or heck, I could even look exactly like you. I might even be you. Besides the point. Anyway, I was a little whatever you pictured me as. Quirky, peppy little me just got a phone. I was on top of the world like "hey guys look at me with my brand new used from my dad iPhone 5s even though the iPhone 6s just came out idc I have a phone haha". Yeah, I was happy. 

Being given a phone felt like I was finally a grown-up and that I could do anything that I wanted. I even challenged the idea of doing anything I wanted, which I still to this day do not regret doing. 

I downloaded the gaming/livestreaming app called Twitch because at the time I was obsessed with a minecraft "show" I guess called mianite that was streamed on there. One day, I was super bored and decided that I wanted to make friends, and so I scrolled all the way down to the bottom of the streams where people were streaming with no viewers. Long story short because I know no one cares, I met this guy named Chris who after a few days started being a dick so I went to one of the people's channels who he had played with during one of the streams. 

Welcome to Austin. The guy I fell in love with. Crazy, I know that I fell in love with a guy over a livestreaming app and not even like Tinder or Bumble or something. I'll continue now.

Austin was playing a game called GTA V, which I'm sure everyone knows what that is but if you don't it's a free mode kind of game I guess. Besides the point. So he was playing with his friend Jay, and they made me laugh awkwardly hard and I found myself smiling at everything they said for like the three or four hours that they streamed. I felt like I had known them for forever. I got to get to know them a little more as I started watching his stream every day and after about a week, Austin and I exchanged numbers. I was confident that he wasn't catfishing me, but then again I was a little eighth grader who hadn't even considered catfishing as an option. It was a taboo kind of thing, like who would stoop so low as to do that, so I didn't think about it. It didn't matter anyway because he wasn't catfishing me anyway.

I can feel that I'm losing you. I'm sorry.

Austin and I texted back and forth to each other pretty much all day for about a month and then we decided to Skype each other one night. I was so nervous since I was basically Skyping a stranger. Although, we got to know each other inside and out pretty quickly, as we seemed to have everything in common. He sent me a picture of him and I returned one horribly embarrassing awful selfie of me and I have to admit, I thought he looked fine af. It wasn't the looks that sold me though, it was absolutely everything about him. His South Carolinian accent that made his O's sound like Ou instead of Oh, his laugh, his smile, his sense of humor, his hobbies, his dreams, his ability to hold a conversation, you get the idea. I liked everything about him. Sure, one month into talking to a guy is really soon to know whether you like someone or not, especially one you hadn't even known like six weeks ago. It didn't matter to me though. I felt better than I ever had in my life. We Skyped back and forth about once a week, as I could only call him at my dad's because I hid him from my mom because I knew she'd be furious if she heard about me talking to a guy that lived 6 hours away from me. And although my mom was insane about the whole situation, I think the journey him and I both had to go through in order to be with each other made it make me love him more; because he didn't give up on me the whole six months it took to be able to talk to each other. Sure, I lost all my mom's trust in me, but it didn't matter because I was finally happy. I've never been happier than when I was talking to him. I still haven't. 

Eventually, my mom found out we had been texting but to this day doesn't know that we skyped, so that's great. Because of my mom's whole thing about being catfished and her overprotectiveness, I lost all trust from her and was grounded on everything for two months. Thankfully my dad didn't ground me when I spent the weekends there and that's the only way I could keep communicating with him. I was so sure Austin would think my family was insane and that I was crazy, but he didn't, and that was nice. We stayed up ridiculous amounts of hours talking about everything and anything, and when we ran out of words to say we'd just look at each other and study every part of each other's features. It sounds weird but if you've ever had a long distance relationship, you'd know how that feels. It hurts to say I never was technically in a relationship with him, but we both wanted it more than anything we'd ever know. We loved each other. I hope he still loves me. 

Throughout the whole time of me sneaking around, I still made sure I talked to him at least once a day, whether my mom knew or not, I was determined to not give up on him. It was like being in prison. I cried everyday for hours on end about how much I needed him in my life, but my mom never sympathized. I love her, I really do, but this is the one thing she hasn't and never will understand. I love him and there's no one else who has ever come close to him in all almost 17 years of my life. No one has stood by my side as much as he did in the 6 months we talked. Six months, I know, it's a short time. It was so full of so many beautiful memories I'll eventually share. But for now I just needed to get this part out somewhere. But one last thing. 

I swear to you Austin Chance Wood, I will love you forever, whether I ever see you again or not. I've never ever gotten over you, and just last year when you and I started talking again and we both apologized for leaving each other and we said we loved each other again, it gave me hope and determination to find you and to fall in love with you all over again but in real life instead behind a screen. Because I need you and I hope you need me.