Recently, I redownloaded twitch to watch some old streams since I ran out of YouTube videos to watch. Of course, my account was only following one person: Austin. I went to his profile and saw, to my surprise, that he had posted a stream. It was like a vlog though, which was so much better. I got to hear his sweet voice again for the first time in three years I think. Man, time really flies. I was so excited to hear and see him again that I let my hopes get up like I almost never do. I shouldn't have, because I was let down. My emotions didn't flutter like they once had, and instead, all I felt was like I had been let down. The accent had faded and his voice had deepened and he didn't show his face like I had anticipated he would have. The face, his face, it was what I kept telling my friends was better when we facetimed than on a selfie. I wanted to see, and I mean really see, how much he'd grown up like I had. And sure, it doesn't matter to me that he had a deeper voice, and if anything I'm glad that it did because that'd be weird otherwise, but it's just that that's the voice that I've had playing in my head for all these years and when I longed to hear the voice cracks and awkward laughs but got maturity and him I guess, I just became anxious.
What if the guy I had fallen in love with before was no longer that guy? I know I've changed so much but what if he's changed so much in the opposite direction of me? What if all our once entwined ambitions and dreams and goals were now as separated as branches on a tree? What if all our once shared laughs are now just a faded memory? Does he miss me like I miss him? He had to have. It was just last year that we still shared the same expressions of affection for each other. What if I spent all this time waiting for someone who isn't like me anymore? I've spent so much time holding myself back from dating, keeping my standards so high, just waiting because I knew that there had once been the most perfect guy for me. I said no left and right to any guy that wanted a chance with me because I knew there had to be another guy like him and when I found that there wasn't, I waited. Was it all for nothing?
Guess I'll have to wait.
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The Diary Of An Emotional Teenaged Girl (AKA Me)
RandomHopefully super relatable and interesting or funny or something. Give it a shot if you don't like reading, it's basically like I'm your best friend ranting to you over iMessage or something. You'll 55% maybe like it. Just try it. Trust me, we're bes...
