The Hateful Heavy Heart | 18+

13 - Fear No More

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault

Three days went by before Cleo acknowledged my change in mood.

She was lying in her bed, the blue blanket pulled to her waist, eyeing me attentively. She had even turned off the television. "Alright, darling, tell Cleo what's the matter. You've been looking obnoxiously somber and moody all week so far." I said nothing and continued to straighten up the room. "Something wrong with your father? Another argument with your mom? Trouble in paradise?"

I finally met her gaze and sighed. "More or less the latter."

"What did you do to the poor boy?" she asked, her stare accusing. Nevertheless, she patted the open spot next to her, and silently I obeyed, sitting down. "Tell me what happened."

I slouched my shoulders, turning my back toward her. "I...I messed up, Cleo. He told me he loved me and I freaked out. We were in the middle of sex, he told me that he loved me, and I told him to go home."

I felt her hand on my back, rubbing soothingly. I didn't have to see her face to know that she was grimacing at me. "How do you know he didn't just say it in the heat of the moment?"

"He went on an entire rant after that about why he loved me."

"And your response?"

"I responded by telling him he was wrong, that I was practically just a warm body. Always have been, always will be."

Cleo let out an annoyed sigh, but her hand was still rubbing my back, anchoring and calming. "Jace, dear, how do you feel about this boy?"

I felt so, so much for Ruggiero. I had never felt this much for a guy in a long while. "A lot." I knew I loved him, but I didn't feel comfortable saying it out loud. Hearing the words out loud would have made it all the more real.

"So," she started, "tell me why you would do something like that."

"Cleo," I bit back, my tone much too defensive. I remembered who I was speaking to and toned it down. My confidant or not, I had to respect her. "You know why I did it."

"Jace," she said sternly, her hand firm on my shoulder. "Jace, look at me while I'm talking to you, please." Licking my lips, I complied, turning toward her. The concern on her face was almost too much to bear. "You have to stop this. You are almost thirty and you are still letting yourself be held back by an event that happened a decade ago. You have to allow people to love you. Not everyone has bad intentions."

"I know."

"I know that you know, Jace, but you have to actually do it. You have a perfectly good man ready to love you the way you deserve and you're letting that asshole L—"

I cut her off, rushing to say, "Don't say his name."

"Fine," she huffed. "You're letting that asshole get in the way of your happiness."

"I know," I told her. "I've been beating myself up over it. Everything's been about control control control, but he's been in control this whole time.."

She put her free hand on my other shoulder and began to rub my shoulders gently. "Jace, calm down. You're supposed to be taking care of me, not the other way around," she said, a smile in her voice. "But if you feel like you're not in control, put yourself in control. Allow yourself to be loved and to be happy. You deserve that. And stop letting your sexuality guide you."

I rolled my eyes at her. "You sound like Ruggiero."

"I'm glad. That means he has some sense." Her face became stern again as she stared me down. "So, what are you going to do?"