Set My Whole World On Fire (Austlan Cashby)

After All This Time

Hello!! There are probably errors in this because I'm basically a zombie right now. Updates might start coming a little bit slower because I'm starting to get really busy. Sneak peak? Two bands, major school work, performance for School of Rock, gigs left and right, Road Crew for School of Rock, and I'm going on tour this summer. After all that's done I probably won't have as much, but I'm a little overwhelmed right now and I'm a little bit to my breaking point. Plus there's a lot of drama with my best friend (*coughcough* I'm also in love with him *coughcough) so I'm stressed. Anyway, here is the chapter!

--------------------------------------------------------

He's been trying so hard to make it up to me. He's cooked all our meals, took me out on dates, and took all my blades. He's checked my wrists everyday since he apologised, but he doesn't check my thighs or my ribcage. I've attacked them violently.

I don't think anything he does will make what he did right. I can forgive him, but things will never be right with us. I'm too broken. I'm too damaged. I'm too disgusting and everything he used to tell is right. I just wish he would have never reminded me.

We were laying together, my wrists itching for them to be cut. I scratched at them, hoping to take away from of the burn. Kellin saw me and forced my hands to go back to my side. I could have tried to escape, but Kellin would have held me there.

I wanted to give up. I wanted to jump off a bridge or throw myself in front of a car or just... anything. I would give anything to die. I was so damn tired of dragging myself out of bed everyday just to be reminded everyday of the boy who hurt me so severely. Yes, I put it on myself, but he told me he would be different. He gave me love when I needed it most and I took advantage of it.

Maybe Oli and I aren't that different. He and Austin got into a relationship because he needed affection just like how I did with Kellin. The only difference is that I got beaten and Oli got kisses. I wanted Austin's kisses. He always knew just what to do.

"Kellin, I can't do this anymore." I whispered. I was still so, so terrified of him. I knew he was violent and could react violently at the slightest confrontation.

"What do you mean, baby?" that word had been made to feel condescending. He used it to establish his power, although I don't think that's what he was doing now. He didn't know I hated when called me that.

I was afraid. I didn't want to tell him. "This. Us. Kellin, you hurt me so terribly. I'm afraid of you. I want to hurt myself. I can't talk to you about anything. I'm sick. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to be safe and feel safe and... I don't know." my eyes trained on the floor. I couldn't do this.

"You want Austin, don't you?" He asked. Surprisingly, there was no anger or bitterness in his voice. There was no sadness or worry, only curiosity. It was petrifying.

"Yes." I told him truthfully. He deserved truth. If nothing else, he deserved to know what was really going on. Lying to him would help absolutely nothing. I didn't care if e flipped on me. That would be easier to handle than him being nice to me. I didn't like it when he was nice to me. I felt like there was some ulterior motive when he was being kind or caring.

He looked at me, his eyes void of all emotion. Eventually, he pulled me into an embrace. I flinched violently at his touch. I didn't like him touching me. I didn't like anyone touching me. It was just something that had developed over time: a distaste for touching.

"I'll help you if you want me to. It's okay. I have a crush on someone. I didn't want to leave you unless I knew you were safe, and I won't until you have Austin, okay?" Here he was, Kellin, the abusive boyfriend who had attacked me on a daily basis, offering to help me get my ex boyfriend back and stating he had a crush on someone. Wait, who did he have a crush on? Who did he like?