Set My Whole World On Fire (Austlan Cashby)

Until The End Of Time

Wow, that took awhile! Sorry guys, still quite busy! I had rehearsal and a gig today, the first one my band played together, and it went swimmingly! I gained some fangirls, so that was pretty awesome. Anyway, you should read this chapter because I tried very hard with it! Love you guys, and remember to stay strong :*

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Austin did eat junk food and drink hot chocolate with me when we got home. He struggled a little bit with it, but he eventually let himself go and enjoyed it. I loved the sweet taste of the hot chocolate on my tongue. Hot chocolate was definitely one of my most favourite drinks in the entire world.

I felt lucky, so lucky to have him in my life again. I did have him a little bit while he was dating Oli; I had him as a friend. However, we seemed to be walking on eggshells with each other. It was hardly a friends as I hardly felt safe and cared for when I was with him. Oli didn't like me and did everything he could to keep Austin away from me.

I hadn't been allowed to see Austin anyways. The rare days where I would see Austin were a product of flat out lies to my boyfriend who eventually figured out I was going to see him and beat me black and blue for it. He would have done it anyway, but he was fuelled by reason when I lied to him, making the abuse ten times worse. I really don't understand why I forgive Kellin for what he did. Did I actually forgive him for what he did?

I mean, I wasn't angry with him, but his presence upset me, like, a lot. Thinking about him made my skin crawl and my anxiety shoot up like morning wood. I didn't see any use in being mad at him because it would just add to the negative emotions I was already feeling towards him. Did I forgive him? I guess, probably.

I guess that I did forgive him, but forgiving him doesn't mean that I'll forget everything he did to me. He did a lot of bad things to me. He took my innocence a long time ago, way before I started dating him, and he continued to take it away from me during our relationship.

Huh, relationship? Could you really call what we had a relationship? Yes, we cuddled after beatings, and he kissed me possessively, and we went out for dinner or to the cinema to let other people know I was his, but can you really call that a relationship? Now that I'm not with him anymore, I'm starting to understand how twisted he really was.

He says he's changed now. He says he wants to be a better person and stop hurting people, but I don't know if that's possible. He ruined a lot of people's lives. He spiralled Austin into an eating disorder, contributed to me relapsing in my self-harm, and just made Vic's life a living hell for three months. Can someone like that really change?

If they can, then I guess Phil would be the one to do it. I don't like the idea of them being a thing because I don't trust Kellin, but Phil is responsible enough to leave if things get out of hand. He's going to try to help Kellin better himself, and he knows he may get hurt in the crossroads. I don't want Phil getting hurt at the hands of Kellin, but there isn't really much I can do to stop it.

Phil could defend himself. He had been defending and scraping himself up off the ground for years. He had the scars to prove it, but he wasn't ashamed. He wasn't ashamed to wear short sleeves when his scars were all healed and he wasn't ashamed to talk about what he had struggled with. I envied him. I wished I could be more like him.

Life would be so much easier if humans didn't compare themselves to each other. All problems could be eliminated if we just stopped comparing ourselves to our best friend, or the most popular girl or guy in school, or Megan Fox or Darren Criss because hot damn, I would kill to be Darren Criss. I understand that most of my problems have stemmed from me thinking that so-and-so was better than me or I wasn't as good and so-and-so.