Run By Anxiety

Anxiety Strikes

"Hey, deep breaths." I ignored him. I couldn't help it. When I have anxiety, I can't focus at all. It kept getting worse. My knees and legs were starting to go numb. I knew the drill. My chest would start to go numb, and if worse came to worse, I'd eventually pass out.

I silently prayed that it wouldn't get to that point. I started feeling a little lightheaded, so I sat down on the grass. "Maddie, you need to breathe." Alex was probably getting irritated with my ignoring him. Was I not breathing? Huh.

I willed myself to suck in some air, but I couldn't focus enough to answer him. I started shaking as my chest went numb. 'No...please.' I begged God. 'Relieve me...' But to no avail, my praying seemed to be pointless.

I slowly stood up, only swaying slightly. Alex took a few steps closer. "Maddie...?" He asked cautiously. I whimpered, but immediately regretted it. He didn't need to worry any more than he already was.

"Alex..." I said weakly, before collapsing. "Maddie!" He exclaimed as he rushed forward and caught me before I hit the ground. He gently lowered me to the ground. "Please try to calm yourself down." He pleaded.

I curled up in a ball, and yet again ignored his words. He got down next to me, and brushed my hair out of my face. "Stop ignoring me. Please!" He didn't sound irritated surprisingly, but he did sound extremely worried.

I started softly crying. I'd held off this long, but I couldn't hold the tears in anymore. "I'm sorry..." I whispered so quietly, I'm not even sure he heard it. He laid down next to me, but I turned away. "It's ok." I could almost feel him smiling sympathetically.

The numbness started wearing off a little bit, so I decided to try and focus a bit. I rolled onto my back and sighed. "Just look up at the stars with me." He knew I loved looking at stars, and there were plenty out tonight. "You ok now?" He asked.

He didn't seem pushy, just concerned. I closed my eyes and willed myself to talk. "I'm sorry. That happens often." I slowly forced the words out. "I know." He gently reminded me. "I hate anxiety." I spat the word out.

Anxiety ran my life, it seemed. And especially here, as of late. "I know it's hard, but you just gotta keep hanging in there. " He tried to smile. "I tried to stop it, honest! I didn't want to scare you, and you were having such a good time..." I trailed off.

"Hey... you couldn't' have hid it forever. And I'm not scared of anything." He chuckled a little which made me smile. "Yeah, I know... I'm really sorry." I sheepishly turner away. "Please stop apologizing. It's not like you could've prevented it." He was so understanding.

I laid my head on his chest, not wanting to talk about it any more. He wrapped his arms around me and we just laid there for a few minutes. If I didn't still have anxiety, it might have been an enjoyable moment. Apparently my anxiety didn't approve of this positioning, and decided to make me feel claustrophobic. 

I bolted up. If I wasn't careful, I would get lightheaded and pass out again...and possibly make my anxiety come back. But I was getting too jittery laying so still. Alex offered my a hand once he was on his feet, but I ignored it and got up myself.

He'd seen me vulnerable enough tonight, I could at least stand up on my own. Not my smartest move. I looked at Alex in a daze, my mind not fully registering what was happening. I passed out again, Alex caught me immediately and pulled me into a tight hug.

I shook furiously, cried fiercely, and breathed every breath as if it were my last. "Hey, hey... it's ok. Listen to my heartbeat. Shh..." I listened to his heartbeat as he said, and tried to focus on calming down. My legs gave out again, but he held me firmly.

I squeezed him tightly so I could feel a little control over my numb body. He rubbed my back, and it really felt nice to feel something. After probably five minutes, I started to gain control of myself again, and was able relax a little in his arms.

My hands were still numb when I pulled away. "They're still numb." I complained. "Here." He grabbed my hands and smiled at me. I squeezed them as hard as I could, trying to regain feeling. Eventually it happened.

"You ok now?" He asked. I pulled away and nodded. "I think so. But I don't want to go back inside. I want to go home." I downcast my eyes. "We can go." Alex offered a pity smile. "Your shirt is wet...sorry..." I awkwardly gestured at him. "Don't worry about it." He laughed. "Let's go." He smiled.

It was out of the way now. The rest of the night should go smoothly...