Even Now

Even Now - Chapter 10 "Tears"

Chapter 10 —Orihime—

"Tears"

I closed my eyes, trying to let the heat of the water to help me clear my mind. I sighed and rested my back on the stone behind me. At this hour no one used the Onsen except me. Rukia and Tatsuki had gone back to our room fifteen minutes ago, leaving me here alone. Actually I told them to leave me here. I said I still wanted to enjoy the hot water but honestly, I just wanted to be alone.

Slowly, I tilted my head and opened my eyes.

The night sky was so beautiful tonight. It was clear and I could see the stars and moon. There were so many stars, I couldn't see this many when I was still in the town. I had to admit that actually Renji's idea to go to the mountain was a really nice idea.

If only he did not bring Ulquiorra with him.

I bit my lower lip and use the back of my hand to cover my eyes. It had been almost a year.

Yes, it had not been even a year, but it felt like a century since the last time I saw him. It had been so long since the last time I could talk with him. Today, when suddenly I saw him with Renji, I lost my words. Suddenly my head went blank and I couldn't think anything. This was getting more complicated.

When I felt the tangy taste finally realized that I had bitten my lower lip too hard that it was bleeding. I licked my lip groggily. This was so wrong.

My relationship with Ichigo was not right at this moment. There was something happening between Ichigo and Rukia, I could feel it. They had been really awkward lately, more than ever. I knew something happened. Lately Ichigo acted different in front of me, he was hiding something. He was acting extra nice to me and I don't know why.

I let out another heavy sigh.

I pressed both of my palms onto my face to help myself not to cry.

It had been my fault. If only I had not been selfish and let Ichigo be with Rukia. If only I had strength to accept the truth. I was too selfish and too childish. Poor Ichigo, poor Rukia… I had been so cruel. I knew they loved each other and still I did not let them to be together.

I had made a big mistake.

I felt my eyes burn as the tears started running down my cheeks.

I was crying, again. Though I had promised to myself to be stronger and stop crying, in the end I was still the same weak, stupid and childish me. I should have known that everyone would not like someone weak and annoying like me, everyone would prefer someone strong and cheerful like Rukia.

I had made a mistake.

I had ruined Rukia's happiness.

She was one of my few best friends and still I hurt her.

What kind of friend was I?

There was one time, I still remembered clearly that day, when I was sleeping over at Rukia's place. Her family treated me really nice; her brother was also being so nice to me. That day, seeing how close Rukia was with her brother, for the first time since I knew her I felt a pang of jealousy inside my heart.

That was the day when for the first time I felt this disgusting feeling of jealousy toward my best friend.

'How lucky Rukia is. She has a really nice brother who loves her so much. Someone who she could call as 'big brother'…'

I did not blame her of course; it was not her fault that my brother died.

But still, I thought that it was unfair.

I never told anyone about this feeling, but at the time I still felt that life was too unfair. Rukia had everything that I did not have. She had many friends, she had a strong body, she had a big brother who loved her so much, and she had practically everything that I wanted.

At the time, only Ichigo that could make me feel better.

The tears would not stop even thought I had closed my eyes.

If only I knew, in the end, I would also have to lose Ichigo.

Rukia had everything that I wanted.

Life was unfair.

I opened my eyes once again and looked at the starry summer night sky. With the eyes that were still filled by tears I could see the stars twinkling beautifully. My brother taught me once, to stop the tears I had to tilt my head and look at the sky. Usually it helped me. To see the beautiful sky usually could help me to stop crying but this time somehow it did not work.

'Is there someone you love?'

Once, a long time ago, I popped out a question to Ulquiorra. At the time we were sitting under the tree behind the sport centre building. He was accompanying me to wait for Ichigo until he finished his daily sport club activity. I did not know why I was asking him that question.

Maybe, I was wondering why he never had a girlfriend though I knew that Ulquiorra was quite popular among some girls. I knew some of my classmates that had a crush to him. I always thought that he was cool, that was why I didn't understand why he didn't date anyone.

'Why do you suddenly ask me that?'

As usual it was impossible to read his expression so I smiled and tilted my head to the left side, 'I just want to know because it seems like you do not have any interest for girls.'

Ulquiorra looked into my eyes using his green orbs, he was thinking for the answer and I was patiently waiting for his answer. I knew him. I knew Ulquiorra would not lie to me. That was why his next answer surprised me.

'Yes, I have someone I love right now.'

'Seriously?'

He nodded.

'Then does she know you love her? Have you told her?'

He shook his head, 'No, she has a boyfriend…'

'Aw,' I frowned, his face did not show me any emotion but I knew that it must be hard for him. I patted his shoulder, 'Don't be sad… There must be other girl for you…'

He looked at me and somehow I thought he was about to smile but instead he patted my head gently, 'Don't worry… Sometimes to love someone means that we have to be able to let them go if that was for their good…"

To let someone we loved go.

I still remembered Ulquiorra when he said it to me.

Maybe he was right.

Ah, no, I knew he must be right.

I should not be egoist.

If I loved Ichigo I had to let him to be with the one he truly loved.

I wiped my tears and forced a smile. It was the right time for me to be stronger and do the right thing. I loved Ichigo and Rukia, and they loved each other. They had been so nice to me and I had been so mean to them. Maybe it was not too late to do the right thing. Maybe I still could make everything right again.

My mouth formed a smile.

But somehow the tears would not stop.

Suddenly I felt so dizzy.

'..Sometime to love someone means that we have to be able to let them go.."

Ulquiorra was right.

I wiped my tears but everything was still blur and faded away.

I heard someone called my name from a far.

Before everything faded away, I heard the voice again. I knew the voice but I was too dizzy to recognize whose voice was that.

And everything turned into white.

-chapter 10—Orihime— "Tears" : end-