𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐋 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒 [ 𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 ] ✘

I'll Be Good

Note: So this is basically written about my own experiences this year and how it feels coming back now :) Not that I'm that much Asian (man, I wish I was XD) but yeah...

Tears clogged my throat and blurred my vision, making it near impossible to put one foot in front of the other. The sun was just beginning to come up over the horizon, shining its rays on the sleepy little town of Alexandria. The roofs of the houses were lit up now as my brown eyes scanned over them and slowly, a small smile began to form on my face. It felt like a lifetime since I'd been here last. And honestly, I didn't think I'd ever be coming back when I left the first time around. I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat as the painful memories washed over me.

Losing Glenn like that...it was so unexpected. It was like he was here one day then just...gone. And after everything... I didn't handle it too well. He was the only family I'd had left in this world and the whole idea of never seeing my big brother again - never hear his laugh, feel his hugs, listen to his incessant teasing about my reddish-brown hair... I couldn't deal with that. It sent me into a spiral of depression - like I was being sucked into this black void of pain. And I didn't think I would ever be happy again.

Carl had done everything in his power to cheer me up, comfort me any way he could. But nothing felt real anymore to me. I was numb to it all and I couldn't feel anything. He must have known that because he backed off a couple months later. Deep down, I think we both knew our relationship was failing - and it wasn't his fault...maybe it hadn't been mine either. But grief changes you - whether you know it or not, whether you want it to or not. You're just not the same person after you live through that kind of pain.

Suddenly, the words to an old song drifted back into my mind...words I related to so much now...

"My past has tasted bitter...for years now. So I wield an iron fist. Grace is just weakness or so I've been told. I've been cold, I've been merciless..."

It was then that I knew I had to leave - leave my old life behind. Maggie and Sasha had left to Hilltop and invited me to stay with them. I still remember vividly the day I left - Carl and I both cried but we knew it was for the best. His arms had held me so tight in those final moments. But he set me free anyway. 6 months had passed since that day.

I'd been depressed still the whole year but I finally felt as if I was getting back on my feet again. And it was time to come home. No, not to Alexandria. My home wasn't a place - it was a person.

My feet carried me down the familiar roads - I knew every crack in the pavement, every family in every house by name. But I didn't care about the others - I only cared about one. Several minutes later, I'd reached my destination and I felt a sigh of relief well up in my throat at the familiarity of the blue-and-white house. Judith's baby toys still were strewed across the front porch and I could just make out the initials Carl and I had carved on one of the beams supporting the roof over the porch. Taking the steps two at a time, I lifted up my hand to knock but then hesitated.

What if he didn't want to see me? What if his feelings had changed after all this time? What if he didn't care I was back? But I pushed the thoughts aside and rapped my fist against the mahogany door. Behind it, I could hear a groggy sigh, some shuffling, and finally, the door was wrenched open. Standing before me was Carl - his hair was ruffled from sleep, eye only half-open, and he wore a light blue plaid shirt over his pajamas.

I opened my mouth - once, twice - but nothing came out as Carl just stared down at me, his blue eye widening.

"Carl, hi. I, um..." I stared to say, finally finding my voice but tripping over the words.

But before I could finish, I was being brought into a warm, hard chest. I sucked in a sharp breath at the suddenness, the scent of gun metal, pine trees, and pudding filling my nose.

"I missed you so much..." Carl whispered into my hair as I encircled my own arms around him finally, "I'm so glad you're back,"

Slowly, my eyes fluttered closed as I leaned my head on his chest and I let out a long sigh.

"I'll be good, I'll be good. For all of the times...I never could..."

"So am I, Carl... So am I."