𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐋 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒 [ 𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 ] ✘

Consequences

Note: Stumbled across this song yesterday and it instantly made me think of Carl. So yeah, a little sad drabble before the premiere... My heart's in turmoil btw if anyone's wondering :"( XD Okay on to the one shot!

I lied in bed, still too choked up to speak. It had been like this since Carl had passed and honestly...I didn't think it would ever cease. Because in the end...he was still with me. In every way possible. I could still see his bright ocean-blue eye peeking out from underneath his sheriff's hat, still hear his laugh every time the wind would blow. He was in my soul, tormenting me, reminding me that he was gone and I was still here...alone.

Dirty tissues, trust issues

There was dirty tissues strewn all over my bed at home, reminding me of my own trust issues and how I kept all of this bottled up.

Glasses on the sink, they didn't fix you

I even had empty shot glasses by the sink that had also ceased to help me feel anything. I just felt numb.

Lonely pillows in a strangers bed

Sighing, I got up from the bed of the boy beside me. He was still fast asleep - that was good, I could slip away unnoticed.

Little voices in my head

But there were lingering little voices in my head that told me it was wrong...to just use this boy to help me forget...

Secret keeping, stop the bleeding

It was no secret that his death was destroying me though, even if I did hide the scars on my wrists from view.

Lost a little weight because I wasn't eating

But when I began to lose weight, Michonne had confronted me and I was forced to tell the truth.

"Because I wasn't eating..." I'd admitted in a broken, small voice before she gathered me up into her arms as I cried.

All the souls that I can't listen to, to tell the truth

Everyone tried to help me, telling me that I needed to move on and that Carl would want that for me. But I couldn't...not with those memories still in my head...and it all came back in flashes now...

Loving you was young, and wild, and free

Laughing as he chased me in the front yard of the prison, his arms finally encircling my waist. Skating with him down the road with our hands entwined, smiling like crazy. Happiness bubbling up inside of me as his lips found mine in the rain outside the barn.

Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet

Him wrapping his arms around me from behind, placing cool kisses to my warm neck. The times he would deepen our kisses, our tongues battling for dominance. Or even the times when he would find little trinkets for me on supply runs.

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound

Days he would make me smile for no reason, or whenever I was scared, how he'd pull me into his chest and I felt safe and sound, like nothing could touch me.

A steady place to let down my defenses

It was like nothing else existed in those moments except for the two of us, breathing in the scent of him as we fell asleep.

But loving you had consequences

But as I glanced down at my wrists, I knew...loving him had consequences. Before I'd even realized it, my feet had taken me to his grave at the edge of town. My heart clenched in my chest and I felt the tears well up in my eyes as my gaze dropped to the mound of dirt next to the wooden cross with the initials 'C.G' carved into it. Two months later, his death still affected me this way. The thought of him not being here, of never seeing him again...it felt like someone was trying to rip my heart out of my chest. And honestly, maybe someone DID when he passed...because nothing had been the same since.

No matter what I did, the memory of him was still with me. Making me wish...I was dead, too.

Loving you was dumb, dark and cheap

Loving Carl so young was...dumb, dark, and cheap.

Loving you still takes shots at me

And loving him would always haunt me. I even still dreamed of him at night sometimes, waking up in sweaty sheets and tears rolling down my cheeks.

Found loving you was sunshine, but then it poured

Our love had been sunshine before the clouds had rolled in and the rain came down in crashing waves...destroying all I'd held dear.

And I lost so much more than my senses

I knelt down next to his grave then, my fingers resting on the cool dirt. I'd lost so much when I lost him...

'Cause loving you had consequences

But even if loving him had consequences...I didn't mind paying them. He would always be my one and only true love.