𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐋 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒 [ 𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 ] ✘

Autistic Lullaby

Note: Just a little something I wrote today about my own experiences again... Also not a song in this one, I just liked the title this way lol XD

It had plagued me my entire life. At times it was debilitating but for the most part, I was able to keep it secret, suppressed. In fact, Carl and I had dated for two years before he found out. He'd been hurt I'd kept from him at first but understood my reasoning. And I couldn't have been happier when he told me that he still loved me - that it didn't change his feelings for me.

My heart soared at the memory as I sat in the bay window of our house in Alexandria, remembering it all in my head like it was yesterday. The sun beat its warm rays down on me through the glass panes and I could just hear Eugene somewhere in the kitchen, complaining about the lack of "chemically, vinegarized cucumbers" in the fridge. A snicker erupted from my lips and I shook my head at my big brother's ridiculous obsession with pickles. Suddenly, a knock sounded on the front door and I heard boots shuffle over to it before a female voice spoke up from the other side as it was opened. I recognized it instantly as the woman who'd welcomed us here a couple of days ago - the Mayor.

I bit my lip as they talked a few minutes before I heard the door close back and Rick made his way to the living room. Before I knew what was happening, he had called everybody to the dining room for a group discussion and we were now sat around the large, rectangular mahogany table in the middle of the room.

Eugene sat on one side of me while Carl sat on my other, arm resting on the back of my chair as I leaned into his side.

"That was Deanna... Said she wanted us to come to a get-together they're having for the townspeople tonight," Rick informed us all.

"Who's showing up to this?" Tara piped up, arms crossed over her chest.

Rick shrugged in response, "Everybody as far as I know."

I stiffened, paling at the thought I'd have to be in a small, enclosed little house with all the people in this town? Just the thought made me feel sick. Carl must have felt me tense up because the hand he had slung over my chair trailed down to rest just across my back, his fingertips tracing circles on my arms to soothe me.

"It'll be alright..." he said, low enough for just me to hear.

I nodded in response, not really hearing him as I thought of all those people - jostling around me, their chatter filling the whole house...

"-she said there was some clean clothes in the closes upstairs for us all." Rick was saying but it was like he was underwater, somewhere far away.

The hours passed sooner than I would have liked and finally, it was time. I stood in front of the upstairs mirror before I heard my name being called downstairs. I twirled one last time, my short boho skirt swishing against my legs. A sigh escaped my mouth and I made my way down the stairs. A very clean-looking Daryl stood waiting below and I arched an eyebrow, nodding approvingly as I looked him up and down.

His hair was a tad shorter and instead of hanging in greasy strands around his face, it looked less shaggy and softer than I was accustomed to seeing it.

"Ya clean up nice, Dixon," I teased and he blushed under the scrutiny.

"Aw, shut up," he mumbled gruffly before glancing back up at me, "See you're wearing a skirt. That must feel different,"

I nodded, not even hearing the sarcasm lacing his voice and made a 'mmm' sound.

"Feels breezy," I shrugged just as he exited the house to step out onto the porch with some of the others.

Suddenly, I heard someone clear their throat from beside me and I glanced up into a familiar pair of bright, blue eyes. He smiled down at me then. I tried to return it but faltered and just as quickly, the happiness in his eyes faded and was replaced with concern.

"What's wrong?" he asked in confusion.

I shot him a pointed look and realization dawned on his face.

"Oh," he said softly before pushing a strand of hair back behind my ear and intertwining our fingers, "It's going to be okay. I'll be right by your side, I promise."

But it wasn't "okay". As soon as we stepped into the packed house, it hit me all of a sudden - the lack of breath, the panic, the tightening of my chest and as always, the sudden frantic glances to find the exits. People talking and laughing filled the air, creating one big buzz that made it difficult to hear anything else. I have to get out, I have to get out, I have to get out, I thought to myself over and over again. From the corner of my eyes, I could see that nice woman, Deanna, making her way over to greet us. But it was too much. I couldn't stay in here - I had to get out!

Pushing past Rosita and Michonne were bringing up the rear of our little group, I raced to the door. Amid shouts of protest being called after me, I stepped outside into the fresh, night air. I breathed in the bitter coldness of it gratefully, the tightness in my chest deflating now that I was alone. I pressed my back against the wall, eyes briefly fluttering closed just as the front door opened and shut with a bang. And suddenly, I was being shake awoke. My eyes opened into concern-filled blue orbs and I fell into my boyfriend's arms, holding onto him tight as if he were a lifesaver thrown to me while I was drowning.

"Carl, I'm sorry! It just came on all of a sudden and-" the words came tumbling in a jumbled heap from my lips.

He shushed me softly, pressing sweet kisses into my hair, "It's okay, it's alright. I'm here now, I got you,"

His heart beat rhythmically in my ear and I sighed deeply into the material of his gray t-shirt, feeling completely and utterly safe. We stayed like that for a while - Carl just holding me and whispering sweet nothings in my ear to comfort me.

"I wish I didn't have this," I said lowly but he heard me anyway as I continued, "This-this...Autism..."

He pulled back from me slightly, cupping my face in his hands so that I was gazing into his ocean-blue eyes.

"I know, baby, I know. But I wouldn't want you any other way." he told me softly, sincerity ringing clear and true in his voice.

Tears filled my eyes but I bit them back just as his lips connected to mine. And my heart was home again...within the safety of Carl's arms.